Gemini (May 21-June 21): Your fortune cookie will not contain a fortune.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): The journey of a thousand miles may begin with a single step, but you’ll get there much faster if you drive.

Aries (March 21-April 19): You can take that stuff about winning a medal in the 5th grade field day off your resume now, it’s not relevant anymore.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Be a better you: try something new every day, and make sure you put it on YouTube so we can watch you fail.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): NASCAR is a sport, dammit, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): I bet you’re super glad you spent $200 on new snow boots for this winter right about now, huh?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Spice things up in bed this week: try having another person there with you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): If you can’t hum very well, the kazoo is probably not the instrument for you.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Showing off in the gym is a good way to pick up chicks. Showing off by attempting to bench press said chicks is not.

Virgo (August 23-September 21): Just because you have health insurance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Leo (July 23-August 22): You’re right: if people knew about that really weird habit of yours, you know, the one where you do the thing with the stuff, they’d be totally grossed out.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): Don’t be fooled by anyone who thinks NASCAR is a sport, they’re probably an idiot.