Tuesday, October 122:24 p.m. – Minor two-car accident on University Dr.8:16 p.m. – Thief in Clark Athletic Center. Robble, robble.

Wednesday, October 131:38 p.m. – Item stolen from Clark Athletic Center. Hamburglar strikes again!2:23 p.m. – Party recognized last week’s flasher. Was it his face or something else? He was gone before police arrived.8:35 p.m. – Arson in the Science Center. Reports of a smoke odor on the third floor were the results of a machine set on fire.

Thursday, October 142:10 p.m. – Person reported an attempt to break into a car on the UL Campus Center garage.3:03 p.m. – Irrationality reported in the Campus Center, as property reported stolen was then found.4:13 p.m. – Hockey player struck by a puck in the Clark Center and transported to the hospital.7:42 p.m. – Suspicious person reported in the Campus Center, gone on police arrival.9:08 p.m. – Party reported that someone was causing them discomfort on the Plaza.10:38 p.m. – Suspicious vehicle on University Drive.

Friday, October 1510:35 a.m. – Ambulance called to Wheatley Hall.2:06 p.m. – Person with possible cardiac problems was taken from Health Services to the hospital.6:04 p.m. – Report of someone attempting to steal those freaking coyotes by the Lower Busway turned out to be an employee moving them. Thank you, concerned citizen, for preserving our equivalent of the pink flamingo.

Saturday, October 164:30 p.m. – Twelve-year-old hockey player suffered a heroic injury and was taken to Children’s Hospital.5:32 p.m. – Creep exposing himself in Healey Library was found, arrested, and charged with two counts of “open and gross ludeness.”