The following is completely true:
On Sept. 4, the Mass Media published an article reporting the construction of new parking lots on campus.
An excerpt from the article reads, “Because UMass Boston is built on a landfill, 20 percent of the dirt will be toxic and will have to be disposed of.” It is some great fodder for a joke.
Here’s a few the Mass Media staff came up with:
- Still, the dirt is much safer to eat than the cafeteria food.
- In one of the earliest efforts at “greening” the campus, the Wheatley and McCormack Halls were made exclusively with materials found in the dump.
- One synchronized flush of all the toilets on campus creates a collective whoosh that sends methane gas up the Science Building gas stacks; this lights them up like 100-foot-high sparklers, making UMass Boston a must-stop on the 4th of July.
- When asked why the dirt is only now being disposed of a university spokesperson stuck her fingers in her ears, ran into her office and started singing, “La la la I can’t hear you.”
Here’s a few from student CJ Martinez
- With 20% of the dirt being removed, we’ll never have enough land to build dorms.
- At least people can’t say UMB students are dirt poor anymore.
- The dirt was never contaminated. The staff and students are just so damn radiant!
- How many UMB students does it take to change a light bulb? None, just place the lightbulb on our dirt and wait a couple days.
- I always thought the “Beacon” in the mascot was from a lighthouse. Now I know it’s actually coming from the toxic waste under our university.
- Umass Boston: You’ll be radiating with joy!
- A UMB student asks the chemistry professor how half-lives work. The professor responds: “Take a sample of dirt outside and I’ll show you.”