I was selling my coffee table before I moved away from Arizona, and a woman called me and said this:

“I’m calling on behalf of your coffee table.”

First of all, I wasn’t aware my coffee table had hired legal counsel. Should I be nervous? Maybe it’s pissed off about all those times I didn’t use a coaster. Second of all, the moment she said this I knew that she was trying to sound more professional than she really is.

I couldn’t help but think that there are a lot of people out there who are not smart yet feel the need to use “big” words in daily conversation just to try to impress others. These are the same type of people who will walk into a bar and order a single malt scotch to show off even though they hate it, order a bottle of wine for the table and then when the wait person hands them the cork, they sniff it, or the guy who pops his collar in a club because he thinks that by doing this it will emit an “I’m the hip one of the group” vibe, even though the only thing it really does is make him look like a metrosexual Count Chocula.

At what point did everyone start feeling so uncomfortable with themselves? What’s wrong with the fact that you think single malt tastes like old car battery acid with a slight smokey wood cask subtleness to it, or the fact that as far as you know, the waiter only hands you the cork to shove up your ass so that the greasy restaurant food you’re about to eat doesn’t get all over your Calvin Klein boxer briefs.

The point is this: Just be who you are. If you aren’t comfortable with who you are, at least make the effort to be a better person. Instead of taking the easy way out by using words that you’re only 25% sure of the meaning of, thinking (and saying) that nuking the Middle East is a viable international relations policy, or slamming someone else’s spiritual beliefs even though you just had an abortion, worked on the Sabbath, and had dirty thoughts about the family pet all in the same day… RELAX.

Instead, take a few English classes, pick up a copy of the Economist, and realize that spiritually, nobody is better than anybody else. At least now when you sit down to a fancy dinner out at the Olive Garden with your family, when the waiter hands you that cork… you can smile gingerly and tell him that you won’t be sticking it up your ass tonight.