Wicked Pussycat says:A concept arises in the lives of sexually active college students; the one night stand. The one night stand has no specific definition and you won’t find it in the Webster Dictionary, but what it generally insinuates is a random hook up (and in many cases with the presence of alcohol). Ah, good old alcohol – there are even T-shirts that read “Alcohol getting guys laid for years”. The truth is liquor lowers inhibitions, and creates a false air of romance. Beer goggles make the person you’re sitting across from look like Jean Claude Van Damn circa 1992. But to put it plainly, it makes you horny. F-ed up F-ing is what we call it here at UMBeMine, which leads us to the topic of the week: Sober Sex vs. F-ed up F-ing. I am a fan of the former. I am a fan of the latter. Hell, sex is sex! But as I get older and become more aware of my role as a strong and independent woman in a highly masculine society, I must own up to my actions. My drunken behavior and drunken sex has led me and many other women to fall into a trap of gaining a reputation, as well as gaining a beer gut. And neither is too cute.

I’m sans penis, but I’ll tell you for women, the sensations are much greater sober; end of discussion. But what is more far reaching than physical sensation is the emotional bond that truly makes sex mind-body-soul. If you’re wasted, your body may be there, but your heart and soul are often missing from the transaction. Everyone knows the physical risks of doing the nasty under the influence; lack of protection equals a higher increase of STDs and pregnancy. But the emotional effects of meaningless-uninhibited-only-due-to-artificial-substance (and we don’t mean sugar) sex are just as great a risk.

The walk of shame is a joke to some. The hush-hush conversations around the water cooler after a work Christmas party is considered silly gossip: “Did you see Doreen dirty dancing? Wow, get a couple of drinks in her and she loosens right up. I hear she went home with the new guy Harold.” So, after some alcohol Dumpy Hum-Drum Doreen is a Dirty Dancing Queen, but what about when she wakes up? Or when she walks past her curious colleagues? Deep down Doreen is probably pretty depressed, unless the stud she brought home is really a stud, but in many causes he’s a dud. I’m not saying f-ed up f-ing is a complete no-no, but it has its consequences. The morning after can be stunning, shocking, and sickening (hangover). But it has its up sides. Sometimes drunken romps can be exciting. You could find yourself in compromising locations like bathroom stalls, or behind church bushes and end up with killer stories that will go in the record books. I vote that once in a while these acts are okay, but if you can’t get down without two forties and a joint, you might want to look inside to see what’s holding you back from reality. Sober sex is cheaper, maybe the first time it’s intimidating, but much more satisfying thereafter. You’ve got to get to know yourself, not artificially, but your real self, before you can begin experiencing the truth value of sex. Don’t jip yourself on one of the most powerful gifts of life by getting f-ed up beforehand.

If neither of these appeals to you there’s always masturbation.

Disclaimer:Neither of us has any formal training or licensure as psychotherapists; we don’t claim to be one or substitute as one. (If you need professional help, please go get it.) If, however, you want to hear how two open-minded, plain-speaking students (who’ve been around a few blocks and have ready ears and shoulders) might approach a given sex or relationship circumstance, you’ve come to the right place.

Dear UMBeMine:

My ex-boyfriend and I are trying to be friends. But every time we get in touch, he keeps sending me signals like he wants to get back together. I’ve tried to be nice and let him down easy. I don’t want to hurt him but now I’m seeing someone else and my ex’s behavior is starting to make me really uncomfortable. We’re going to dinner this week. Any suggestions?

Object of Too Much Affection in Quincy, MA

Dear OOTMA:

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Let’s face it. We guys can be really dumb. We can also be really good at convincing ourselves that if we just “fix” whatever was “wrong,” we’ll win back our long-gone love’s heart. Taken to a sometimes dangerous extreme, some guy turn this into “no doesn’t REALLY mean no” when it actually does. The important thing for you to do here is to be CLEAR. Don’t worry about being cruel. I don’t mean that you should be deliberately hurtful, but make it clear you don’t want to be with him, that your lack of feelings won’t change, and that you’re happy with this being the case. If he still doesn’t get it, or tries to make another ‘date,’ you should maybe let it slip that you’re seeing someone else. He’s going to find out anyway. Also, give him space and time apart to heal and get the message that this is for real. Adjustments (or destruction) of expectations is never easy for anyone, so don’t give him the opportunity to get attached again by hanging out anytime soon. (The rule of thumb is that you should spend half the length of time that you were together in complete separation.) My point is cut and cauterize, and only use local anesthetic.

Sincerely,Lovechester

Dear UMBeMine:

I’m always the last person to know when someone I like is attracted to me, and it seems to me that a lot of other people are in the same boat. Is this even possible?

Unsure in Boston, MA

Dear Unsure: Of course it’s possible to pick up on whether someone’s attracted to you! This is harder when it’s someone that we like, but that’s mostly because we 1) over-analyze the object of our affection’s behavior and 2) are afraid of dealing with the fact that the answer might be ‘no.’ Ask yourself this: when you don’t like someone who likes you, can’t you generally pick up the “vibe” they send your way? Can’t you recognize when your friends like someone? Most of us pick up on these cues because there’s nothing at stake for us emotionally. First, let me say that ‘No’ is not the end of the world, nor does it say anything about your attractiveness in general. Rejection sucks; it always hurts. (I’ve been on both sides of that one MANY times.) But you have to let yourself accept things as they are. Life is so much richer when you do. If things don’t turn out how you want them, grieve, then get on with your life. Now, some practical advice on knowing whether someone’s attracted to you: it’s all about Body Language. Our bodies reveal more than our words ever can! Eyes will tend to linger on parts of your body… lips, hands, other parts. (On the other end, this impulse may manifest as an inability to sustain eye contact with you.) Pupils being slightly dilated. Smiles. Someone may lick their lips a lot. The person’s entire body may orient itself toward you when you’re in his/her presence. Standing close or accidental touching is a great clue. When someone directs a greater number of thoughtful gestures toward you he/she does for other people is also a good one. The number one thing for you to do is relax and go with it.

Sincerely,Lovechester

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