UMass Boston's independent, student-run newspaper

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Police Log

Police Log
Police Log

Monday, February 5

10:50 AM: Campus Police responded to reports of a fire in front of Wheatley Hall. Police responded to the scene only to find an ashen cigarette receptacle, without fire but replete with half smoked cigarettes. We at the Mass Media feel that ashtrays are the appropriate place for fire, and people should stop reporting fire sightings where fire ought to be.

10:55 AM: A report came from the administration building of something smelling like gas. Upon arriving at the scene, Police learned that the smell came from a build up of methane in a lavrotory on the first floor. In other words… DON’T FORGET TO FLUSH NEXT TIME!

1:34 PM: A larceny was reported in the Healey Building, but don’t worry you sad sack of forgetfulness. Just last week some $900.00 in lost cash was returned to the Campus Police office, accounting for every lost dollar from those very wallets. So go ahead you absent-minded buffoons; go lose your property and maybe it will return.

3:00 PM: A heated exchange of words broke out between a library staff member and a surveyor of pornography she was scolding. The argument escalated after the librarian informed the pervert that library policy forbids people to do or view perverse things in sacred learning institutions such as, say, libraries for instance. Campus Police responded to the disturbance and immediately ejected the juvenile ejaculator on trespassing charges. Tuesday, February 6

11:06 AM: A suspicious smell was reported on the 2nd floor of the Administration building. Police arrived at the scene (with plungers in mind, no doubt) but neither smelt, nor found anything to explain the reported smell. Wednesday, February 7

12:14 PM: A breaking and entering was reported after somebody stole something out of the 2100 offices of the Campus Center…proving that absentmindedness happens at the administrative level as well as the student one.

1:06 PM: A group of juveniles went around the Clark Athletic Center robbing wallets from the pants and purses of people who left their things unattended to while playing games. Police caught the thieving juveniles, and returned some of the lost items.

Thursday, February 8

12:54 AM: Police responded to reports of a fire in the Clark Center. The fire was caused by an electrical malfunction, and subsequently shut down the entire Clark facilities until around 1:30-2:00pm. The goods news is that no ashtrays caught fire in front of Clark.

10:14 AM: Police recovered the lost property of somebody who filed for larceny the previous week. The dunderhead’s misplaced possessions were found on a stairwell in Wheatley Hall. Friday, February 9

2:03 AM: Police responded to a fire alarm in the Campus Center only to find that it was due to a mechanical error from a water flow problem. However, Police were happy to find all the ashtrays in the area to be unharmed.

9:48 AM: A larceny was reported in the Campus Center because some student’s parents forgot to teach them about the value of their personal belongings.

10:30 AM: A breaking and entering was reported in the Administration Building because some administrator’s parents forgot to teach them those same values.

Sunday, February 11

3:54 PM: Police responded to a 9-1-1 call in the Clark Center. Police arrived and found the call to be a prank, and that the purported prankster had left before Police arrived.