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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

UMB Police Log

Friday February 6, 9:11 am. Alarm activated in Science Center. Determined to be false after 1) Hypothesis. 2) Test. 3) Observation. 4) Retest. 5) Conclusion.

Saturday February 7, 9:22 am. Motor vehicle accident reported on Bianculli Blvd. No injuries; You’re doing it wrong.

Tuesday February 10, 4:02 pm-Campus police responded to an alarm at the Healy Library. No fingerprints reported on the emergency exit door on the ground floor. Police concluded that Will Smith aka Agent J was researching how to get extra terrestrials instate tuition at UMB. Alarm activated.

Wednesday February 11, 5:08 am-Campus Police investigated an alarm at Wheatley Hall. This was apparently unconnected to the Healy Library incident. Nickel sacks in the vicinity indicated narcotics activity. The alarm had been ingeniously disabled by a piece of cardboard shoved between it and the fire security door. Police removed the cardboard and activated the alarm.

Thursday February 12, 9:38 am-A medical emergency was reported at McCormack Hall. It is presumed a student using the handicap button as a door man was stabbed by a member of the Socialist Alternative for reckless use of UMB’s electricity. Bystanders might have reported that the attacker then defecated on his victim chanting “acts like these raise student fees.” Campus police relayed a message to EMS.

Thursday February 12, 3:48 pm-Campus police responded to reports of persons using marijuana in Wheatley Hall. A crusty calculus philosophy professor took responsibility for calling police saying that the perpetrators wore dark clothes and had facial hair. They escaped miraculously through the vents in his classroom. 32 minutes later a sweet musty odor seeped into Wheatley Hall classrooms.

Thursday February 12, 10:05 pm-A homeless person roaming Parking Lot D was sent away by campus police. Joaquin Phoenix also never showed up for his first serious rap appearance, organized by the UMB Film Club. Club leaders reported to have used the $100 authorized for the event by the Student Senate to buy pizza instead, and watched House reruns in Ballroom B.