Aries: March 21st – April 19th You will be prone to typos on Thursday. Remember i before e except after c. Taurus: April 20th – May 20th Invest in Cosby sweaters; they make your donk look great! Gemini: May 21st – June 21st Switch from Q- tips to ear candles. They are better for you. Cancer: June 22nd – July 22nd Sometimes being low- tech is ok. Try using your sundial. Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd It’s time to quit that nose picking habit, everyone notices. You will DEFINITELY Get laid on Wednesday. Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd Not brushing your teeth will cause a domino effect resulting in a national security threat Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd Happy Birthday! You will lose a large chunk of hair after an unfortunate encounter with a fluffer- nutter sandwich. Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st Stop having sex with ugly people. Your libido maybe completely out of control but come on you got to have some standards Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st Maniacal laughter will result in animalistic attraction. Stay away from the zoo and large dogs. Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th Don’t stand near windows because they climbin’ in them and snatching yo people up. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife.. and hide yo’ husbands Aquarius: January 19th – February 18th Your incessant use of sarcasm is getting on everyone’s nerves. Try being more passive aggressive instead. Pisces: February 19th – March 20th Wednesday you will receive a foot rub from a bearded stranger. It will be deeply disturbing yet strangely satisfying.