Have you ever been walking through the hallway and seen that one kid that looks completely lost and scared, and thought to yourself, even if only for a split second, DAMN FRESHMAN! Well if you have then you’re probably going to hell, but maybe you can take a little bit of solace in the fact that you’re not the only one who’s done that. I’m also guilty of that (and I’m a freshman, don’t tell anybody!). Because of this I decided to do some research and come up with the top four ways to spot a freshman. Brilliant idea or what?

Ok here’s my little list:

1. If you ever call a person a freshman and the person gets pissed off and denies it vehemently, that person is most likely a freshman. I wouldn’t advise you to do this, trust me I know.

2. Next we have what I like to call “The lost puppy syndrome.” As the name suggests, if anybody goes to the bookstore thinking that’s the library, then that person is either a freshman or incredibly stupid. If anyone comes up to you asking for directions to the fifth floor of the campus center, that person is probably a freshman or incredibly stupid. So basically, freshmen tend to get lost in the school, especially within the treacherous walls of the Wheatley building.

3. Another way to spot a freshman is the way they dress, strangely enough. Freshmen girls tend to dress like spoiled super models with their unbelievably huge heels click-clacking all over the damn school! Also, albeit a bit inexplicable to me, freshmen love items of clothing with the UMB logo or crest on it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome to have school spirit and the hoodies aren’t completely vile looking, but you barely even started going here!

4. The next way to spot a freshman, perhaps the saddest of all ways, is by how lonely they look. Being a freshman, you probably don’t know a lot of people so you generally keep to yourself and proceed to look like your dog Fluffy just died of a heart attack. If you’re a freshman and you want to make a friend, look around for anyone as sad and lonely as you and go talk to the person. Odds are you guys are in the same boat.

5. Lastly, if while reading any of the above you thought to yourself, “Oh my God I do that!” You’re probably a freshman.

Now that I’ve shared my rather limited repertoire of knowledge with you readers, I can safely say that based on this list you can spot a freshman from miles away. You can thank me later.