Aries

Open your heart, expand your mind, and make ready the defenses of your soul. A charismatic young devil has you in their sights. Their intentions are pleasurable yet insidious.

Taurus

Look to the past for guidance in the future. This week is full of opportunities to make up for missed opportunity, but you have to “take the bull by the horns” as it were.

Gemini Good dental care is always recommended but it will prove especially important this week so step it up. Brush, floss, rinse repeat, seriously it is THAT important.

Cancer While hiking in a vast wilderness you will become separated from your group. Cold alone and scared you will forget your scout training and run blindly through the darkening wilderness. Exhaustion will finally cause you to collapse in tears and just when you think all hope is lost, you will be rescued by a bearded stranger.

Leo

You’re going to want to shut up. You want to protect your pride; well nothing hurts an ego more than being made publicly aware of your own ignorance.

Virgo

Diligence in study will result in humdrumity and boredom but of course will pay of in large dividends in the long run.

Libra

Experimentation with a new sex act will either make or break your relationship.

Scorpio Don’t you ever let you catch that sneaky mother-F-err sniffing around your shit again! You know what he’s up to and you aint the one to be played with.

Sagittarius

Your roommate’s agoraphobia is starting to rub off on you. Get to a big open space and remain there for as long as possible.

Capricorn

Taking haste in removing snow from your driveway will prove to be unimaginable beneficial. Be especially wary of sewer rats.

Aquarius

“You don’t always have to f!@# her hard. In fact sometimes that’s not right to do. Sometimes you got to make some love and f!@kin give her some smoochies too.” Wise words from Tenacious D.

Pisces

Fast food is never a healthy consumption choice but to avoid a particularly stomach churning incident it’s best you avoid all fast food chains for a while.