Aries A sudden illness will derail your weekend plans. Be prepared for explosive diarrhea and uncontrollable utterances of your darkest thoughts, feelings and desires.

Taurus Your relationship with a close friend will be tested by a startling confession. So they’ve made a big mistake – try to see it their way for once.

Gemini Bought more books than you thought you had to? School supplies in shorter supply than you had anticipated? Never fear – a sudden cash windfall is on the horizon, although there is a dark aura present. perhaps a favorite uncle is not long for this world.

Cancer Be sure to get a full serving of vegetables today and every day this week. You’re going to need it.

Leo Put on your crown and march about campus like you own the place. The ladies/men will enjoy your swagger. Plus, you’re paying for it – might as well show it, right?

Virgo Your aversion to all things citric will result in a bad case of scurvy. Go suck on a lemon.

Libra What was once your favorite song will become tainted by some tragic event. What was once your favorite arena rock anthem will become a melancholy ballad.

Scorpio Your pet/significant other’s incessant whining will put a real strain on your relationship. Try to be patient and keep in mind that they don’t know any better.

Sagittarius Congratulations on your awesome new achievements. Beware of sleazy guys who want to take you to a Lobster Hut – they do not mean the restaurant.

Capricorn A bearded stranger will appear as if from thin air, standing next to you on a deserted commuter rail platform. Do not be alarmed. He is a wizard defending your helpless form from unseen evils.

Aquarius A new semester, perhaps your first semester, can seem like a daunting challenge. Remaining confident is going to be essential to your survival. That and a good loud whistle.

Pisces It will be revealed to you and only you (but you’ll really have to be paying attention, really looking out for it) just exactly how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.