By JOHN KANE IIIStaff Writer

On March 30, DC Comics released it’s newest Frankensteinian creation: Countdown To Infinite Crisis; an 80 page, full color comic book that sets up the DC series for the year. And the first run is being sold for only $1. What can you expect from this? This will be what The Shield is to cop shows. What won’t you see? Superman helping old ladies cross the street while dodging the affections of Lois Lane and Lana Lang.

The book focuses on the Blue Beetle, second-string member of the Justice League and Batman wannabe. He’s rich, uses gadgets, has no powers, and no one likes him. And I mean no one in the book likes him and no one I know in the real world likes him. In fact I think he kinda sucks. When I want a millionaire who uses his cunning and neat tools, I’ll go for Batman. Anyway getting back to the story, the Blue Beetle, aka: Ted Kord, is going bankrupt. It appears that the Dot Com crash has finally caught up with him. No one in the Justice League likes him anymore (I don’t know why, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of the guy but apparently he and his friend, fellow second tier league member Booster, screwed up badly at some point in time). The last warehouse the Blue Beetle owns gets cleaned out-it was filled with kryptonite. The Justice league is concerned for half an hour, then they stop caring, Blue Beetle gets melodramatic, and it goes on like this for a while with Blue Beetle getting hurt repeatedly and no one caring.

The Countdown To Infinite Crisis series is the sequel to Crisis On Infinite Earths, which was caused by no one except 30 year-old comic book geeks who live in the parent’s basements keeping track of what’s going on and where in the DC series. Basically, every comic book took place on a different Earth with no continuity or cohesion between them. So, DC in all their genius decided the solution was a giant inter-universal crossover in which each story in the DC universe was flung together in order to create some sort of order. However, a pile of plot holes and contradicting events a good story does not make. Once again however that is a three-part miniseries for another time.

Countdown To Infinite Crisis was supposed to be a darker, grittier look at established superheroes. Doing something like that is like having Tim Burton make a Batman movie. Oh wait, that’s already happened. They’re making these characters dark and brooding, these characters aren’t dark and brooding. They are supposed to be slightly silly, Wonder Woman has a lasso that makes you tell the truth! How can you take that serious! If I want dark and brooding comics I’ll go to DC’s Vertigo line. If you’re a hardcore fan, get Countdown To Infinite Crisis, if you’re new to DC skip it-if this type of comic is you’re bag get something from Vertigo, DC’s adult line.