Teenagers from Outer Space1959director – Tom Greaf”They’re outta this World!”86 min – unrated
If powerful and advanced beings from another galaxy invaded Earth and infected our planet with gigantic man-eating monsters, I would be, quite literately, terrified. I would immediately switch into Y2K mode; locking myself up in a bunker buried 10 feet underneath my house with a gigantic stockpile of toilet paper, cans of instant ravioli, and Playboy magazines (I read them for the articles). I don’t care if you’re my mother, no one else is coming in because how do I know you’re not… one of them? But, let’s just say that those powerful and advanced beings were, in fact, just bad actors in jumpsuits and that the gigantic man-eating monsters were just lobsters bought for $4.99 a pound at the local market. And not even a real lobster half the time, but a shadow of a real lobster projected to make it look more intimidating and frightening. Well, then in that case, I’d probably just have to sit back, relax, and snicker at the hilariously painfully ineptitude of the aforementioned proceedings.
That’s how you should watch 1959’s Teenagers from Outer Space, a touching movie about beings from another galaxy who invade Earth and infect it with gigantic man-eating monsters, called lobsters-er, Gargons. Okay, they’re just lobsters. But they still serve as a threatening movie monster in this ultra-low budget campy classic.
You see, these aliens (presumably the teenagers mentioned in the title) have landed on Earth in search of the ideal planet for breeding these Gargon monsters. Supposedly, the aliens want to breed them for the purpose of a food source, which makes perfect sense, because I heard that Gargons taste delicious drizzled in butter and dipped in some marinara sauce.
At it’s core, Teenagers from Outer Space is a touching love story about an alien named Derek. Derek comes to earth with a group of his alien buddies. They hang out, collect mineral samples, and shoot a dog with a ray gun that instantaneously turns it into a pile of bones. Derek isn’t pleased with this behavior from his shipmates. He’s been reading from “the book” which has been outlawed back home by whatever fascist “Leader” that the aliens keep reporting back to. “The book” has taught Derek compassion for other intelligent life forms and he objects to their exploitation, so he runs away from his fellow aliens. Apparently “the book” must have also taught Derek the secrets of love, as he meets and woos a cute young tart named Betty. The other aliens try to capture Derek and later we learn that Derek is the son of the “Leader,” at which point the plot no longer makes any sense.
But what Teenagers from Outer Space is really is the not-so-special effects. First, there’s the lobster monster shadow projections. I don’t think I need to tell you how crappy this looks, especially when the sound the monsters make is obviously just some guy squealing. Then, there is the ray gun special effect. You see, this high-powered, futuristic ray gun works on basic scientific properties: it separates the molecules of living things, disintegrating them and leaving only a skeleton. This actually looks kind of cool, and about six or seven people are turned into a collapsing pile of a high school skeletal model. There is also the nurse-gets-thrown-from-a-moving-car special effect. I have become convinced that throwing someone from a car or someone getting hit by a car is one of the most difficult scenes in all of cinema to pull off effectively without looking pee-your-pants hilarious. Or maybe I’m just a sadistic bastard. If anyone has seen the 1998 update of Meet Joe Black, where Brad Pit walks into oncoming traffic and gets hit several times by a series of cars bouncing around like a limp human pin ball, then you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, go out and rent that otherwise worthless movie for that scene alone. No, wait, on second thought, you should probably go out and rent Teenagers from Outer Space, which is supposed to be the movie I’m reviewing here, right? Right? Is any one out there?