Since I’m a gung-ho kind of dude, I like it when things happen. They don’t even need to be good things, just so long as they happen the hell out of you. That’s what makes life interesting.
The 25-year Master Plan isn’t happening fast enough for my liking, so I decided to draft a 10-point Plan to help make UMass Boston the most interesting campus on the face of the planet. The best part, for all you fiscal conservatives out there, is that it’s entirely self-funding, as we shall see.
My 10-Point Plan to Improvetize UMass Boston
1. There’s a disturbing amount of wildlife on the school grounds. An urban campus is no place for coyotes, and the colony that has called our front lawn home for too long should be dealt with in short fashion. But if we remove the coyotes, we’ll get geese. And geese suck.
To this end, I suggest we open up the front lawn to hydraulic fracturing (i.e. “fracking”), which would not only displace the unwanted wildlife, but also create a new revenue stream for the school. Fracking would make the new UMass Exxon the most profitable campus on the planet!
2. It’s well-known that Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) president Dana White once attended UMass Boston. By setting up a fighting octagon in the substructure we could provide UFC the gritty aura it thrives on, provide yet more revenue for the school, and promote our exercise and health sciences program.
Every year there can be a “Clash For The Crown,” in which members of the faculty and administration grapple tournament-style, with the victor being named Chancellor. As Homer said, “The rule of many is no good thing; let there be one ruler, one king,” and a competitive battle for the position would ensure our Chancellor’s unquestioned dominance.
We’re handicapping “Man Mountain” Motley as a 2:1 favorite to retain the crown, though the philosophy department’s Adam “Wild Dingo” Beresford, with his raw outback brawn, is a good sleeper bet for the upset.
3. It’s a when, not an if, for legalized gambling in Massachusetts. Lots of unused space in the Campus Center. Just sayin’.
4. Right now, the Master Plan designates its buildings with titles like “General Academic Building No. 1.” While that may work for the University of North Korea, we in Boston are more inspired and forward-looking. Ergo, we should name our new buildings after tomorrow’s leaders. “The Justin Bieber Education and Enrichment Center” sounds about right. (He had a 4.0 GPA in high school. Look it up.)
5. The Campus Center circle during peak hours sees frequent shuttle buses packed with students continually moving to and from campus. But during off hours, many of those buses are empty.
This presents an obvious opportunity to build a nitro-burning funny car speedway. If my first suggestion (fracking) isn’t acted on, we can build bleachers in the middle. If fracking is acted on, we can build them off to the side. The fracking plant shouldn’t interfere with the funny cars too much anyway, and there will never be refueling issues.
6. If you’ve ever noticed, the vast expanse of land outside the Healey Library offers an unobstructed view of the sun and the moon. The sun at its zenith appears directly overhead.
People call me old-fashioned, but I fear and cower before the awesome power of the Sun God. I call him Unar-Agoth, and he lives in the sky. If we built a ziggurat on that empty space, it will appease him and perhaps keep him from scorching our campus with his blazing fury. One can only hope!
7. Speaking of mighty forces, Donna Neal deserves a more impressive throne room than the one she currently has in the Campus Center. It should be plush and resplendent in purples and velvet. Everybody loves Donna Neal.
8. In order to enforce discipline and respect for authority, the Veterans Affairs Office should institute a campus-wide “Hell Week,” à la the Navy SEAL program, for freshman undergraduates and new adjuncts.
Since ours is a waterfront campus, perfectly suited for underwater demolition projects and sea-to-land battle (er, study) operations, we are clearly wasting a brilliant opportunity to turn out the best campus combat divers America has ever seen. Oh, what’s that you say? Harvard won’t invite us to the Regatta?
9. Remake the Mass Media into a Murdoch-style tabloid. Each time Chancellor Motley is seen talking to a woman, the New Mass Media can broadcast lewd, salacious insinuations: “Naughty Motty’s New Hotty?”
Hack reporters can blazon wildly untrue stories based on bizarre kernels of speculation: “Were Director of Communications DeWayne Lehman and his brother responsible for the 2008 financial crisis?”
Pugnacious, mean-spirited editorial writers can stir up xenophobic resentment: “Vice-Chancellor Winston Langley: Vanguard of an Immigrant Invasion?”
Remember, plausible deniability is only a question mark away. … ?
10. Ignore all of my bonehead, tongue-in-cheek suggestions and keep being the best school in the city. I relished my time here, every second, and you should too.