For the seasoned drinker and sports enthusiast, it is common knowledge that it is counterproductive not to get wasted at a sporting event. There are only two ways to leave a game: on the high horse of victory or in an inebriated state of hate looking for opposing fans to heckle and possibly murder. Alcohol is to sports viewing as Oreos are to stoners: an absolute necessity. But with prices at around $10 a beer, how can an alcoholic like me get drunk on the cheap?

Here are some tips for achieving drunkenness at a discounted price at sporting events.

Step 1.

Drink before the game! If you are catching a game at noon, then it sounds like Bloody Marys for breakfast. The only thing better than day drinking is morning drinking. Don’t concern yourself with the judgement of other people. They’re just jealous, or not fun people.

Step 2.

Don’t eat! It’s easier to get drunk on an empty stomach. Some people say that this is unsafe, but this article isn’t for those people.

Step 3.

Bring nips! Bras, briefs—stuff wherever you can. My favorite is wearing high socks and long pants, and tucking them into my socks.

All of a sudden your seven-dollar coke turned into a Jack and Coke. Cheaper, and made just the way you like it: unbearably strong.

Step 4.

At some venues, 16 oz. sealed water bottles are permitted. So take a cheap bottle of water and use a flathead screwdriver to push the sealed top over the threads. Empty. Refill with Vodka, re-cap and abracadabra—the best Dasani you ever had (golf clap).

Step 5.

Unfortunately, step 5 is still a work in process. There’s nothing like drinking a beer at a game. You might ask, “How does one do this cheaply?” I don’t quite know just yet. Whoever figures that one out will surely make Time’s Person of the Year.

Perhaps, should you happen to sneeze into the beer of the person next to you, I’d doubt they’d still want it…

If you’re a season ticket holder, you could rig a bathroom stall for home brewing. Just a thought.

If you are anything like me then you might be an alcoholic, but at least we are in this together. And more importantly, we saved some money!