There has been a lot of unusual late hour foot traffic at University of Massachusetts Boston. Word in the catwalk is there’s a new student-run blind dating service created by the minds behind UMB Crushes. Such a service on campus could be dangerous, or dangerously hot! I had to get to the bottom of this.
UMB Dates on Twitter acts as the hub of this scandalous operation. I personally never use Twitter. People tweet their crippling insecurities in 140 characters or less; Pope Francis speaks the word of God in 140 characters or less. I will not be restrained by 140 characters or less!
I also had reservations about dating. I was in a serious relationship once — no smiling, no laughing. However, I had to infiltrate this service for the service of everyone else depending on my article. I decided to put UMB Dates to the test. If it works, it’s golden.
First, I needed some sort of disguise or fake identity. With tongu3_in_ch33k as my Twitter handle, I was ready to hit the UMass Boston dating scene. No one would ever suspect me. My time spent watching “Catfish” will finally pay off.
The service required a brief description of myself. I wrote what girls wanted to hear: “My friends say I look like Ryan Gosling. Line up, gals.”
There were many other desperate men using the service. One participant, Anthony Ree, said his name was an anagram for “a horny teen” in his description.
I was set up with a woman named Allison. She had night classes and was having trouble finding a date. She decided to try UMB Dates after hearing about it from a “friend.” We decided to meet in the cafeteria. I told her I was dressed as a J.Crew model, but I was secretly wearing Banana Republic. The good-luck shark tooth necklace was on, the collar was popped, and I was ready to take on the world. I didn’t think this could go wrong. I was definitely mistaken.
She was supposed to be an attractive platinum blonde with a well-endowed chest. The woman who sat across from me was not platinum, but vanilla blonde. She was pretty, but she also looked like she would steal my chili cheese fries. I was appalled this woman would use a fake photo, but maybe it was a stretch to say I was a Ryan Gosling look-a-like when I was more of a young George Clooney from his “ER” days. We were not compatible, even blood type-wise which I knew because for a date I took her to donate blood.
I arranged another date with a different woman the next night. We met in the Campus Center front lawn. Her name was Claire, which was a bonus as that’s my mother’s name. We watched airplanes fly over campus, then stargazed, then gazed at each other. Her eyes were like a nebula.
When her lips met mine, I felt a tingling I had never felt before. I did not pull back. I discovered a forgotten paradise, unchanged and ageless like Thomas Menino. I felt the warmth of her body and allowed myself to slip away. I closed my eyes and become a mighty ship in churning waters — strong and fearless. She was the captain, and we set sail for the Fountain of Youth. I gently traced the outline of her cheek and then took her hand in mine. Our hearts raced together. I reached around and played drums on her butt.
Then Claire broke the news. She had three kids and a cat. Why would she take so long to tell me? That should be something you mention before it gets serious. I was petrified because that is a ready-made family and I wasn’t ready. I just can’t handle a cat right now.
I am done blind dating. Dating services have been blowing up since the dawn of the internet and the introduction of social media. UMB Dates was simply centralizing the service within the UMass Boston network. There is no crime in blind dating. Who was I to stop love even if it’s slightly systematic? Let the single people mingle!
My name is David Larson. My friends call me Arson because I write articles that make people mad like a fire. Interested ladies (or employers) can check out my profile on LinkedIn.