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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Halloween horrors hold off on holiday horrifying

Disclaimer: The Mass Media staff conducted the following interview while the government shutdown was in effect. The Union will no longer be striking on Halloween. Fictional murders, stabbings, slayings, and unexplained deaths will occur as planned.

This Halloween, you won’t have to worry about hiding your kids or your wives. In a shocking, unprecedented attack on the moral foundation of American sugared-up celebration and midnight revelry, the Union of Really Frightening Fictional Characters announced that its members have vowed off Halloween festivities this year. For most citizens, this means a holiday without screams, blood spattering, and a high number of fictional murders.

Union president Creature from the Black Lagoon released an official statement on the Halloween strike to Mass Media reporters. It went something like, “We—gurgle—striking because — splash — government doesn’t respect our victims — squish-kersplunk — won’t add to America’s international financial — pweefshk.”

“It’s sort of a protest. Yeah, but mostly we have our victims’ best interests in mind,” Pinhead, official union representative, clarified. “They have rights too,” he added.

“The government shutdown comes at a convenient time for us, really,” the Wolfman reported. “With all these people out of the job, we can pick victims without worrying about our economic impact so much,” Wolfman continued.

Like other Union members, Wolfman expressed a desire to uphold victim rights. “They should be financially stable when we kill them!” Wolfman opined. “We have to think of their dependents, not just our media-driven killing instincts.”

Union co-founders Frankenstein’s Monster and Dracula feel equally uneasy preying on members of the decaying U.S. society. “Poor people just don’t taste great,” Dracula stated. Frankenstein’s Monster mostly grunted, yet somehow was able to suggest concerns over not only victims’ rights, but also the Union members’ public image.

Jason Vorhees, in an unusual moment of verbosity, revealed that he felt his image abused by the movie industry in particular and wanted to assure the public that he hasn’t stabbed anyone in a few weeks. “We’re not all bad, like the movies suggest.” Vorhees insisted, “We want safe neighborhoods for our victims and their kids too… sometimes, like this Halloween, for example.”

“The strike against this year’s Halloween is a chance for our victims to catch a breath of fresh air,” representative Pinhead assured reporters. While the Union’s members typically gross over $10 billion dollars in ticket, costume, and paraphernalia sales, Michael Myers told reporters that he hopes Americans will save their money this Halloween.

The Union hopes for this year’s strike to provide both economic and psychological support to the American public. “Parents this year could use less to worry about,” Charles Lee Ray, better known as Chucky, stated. Chucky referred specifically to the annual fear of razor blades and poison in candy.

Norman Bates shared Chucky’s sentiments. “Those people are the real nightmares, y’know,” Bates said. “After all, you can blame the Union for what, maybe like 40 fictional deaths a year, but as a man who knows people with children, I can say the fear of candy kills a lot more people,” Bates told reporters.

Unfortunately, with the shutdown, government statistics on poison candy deaths aren’t available, but the Union backed Bates’ statement in the form of pieces of metal and tree bark with deep scratches etched into them. “These are legit,” Union archivist Freddy Kreuger claimed.

Community response has vehemently opposed the protest. One angry Salem resident sent hatemail to the Union: “Screw you, you stupid d-bags. How dare you ruin my life! I guess I’ll have to chainsaw myself after landing on a barbed wire electric fence while being chased by demon babies!”

Representative Pinhead stated that responses like this are commonplace — people just want to be scared. President from the Black Lagoon guaranteed that, despite mild uproar from disparate individuals with strong opinions, the Union will continue with the strike as planned. “You are safe humans… for now.”