Kevin Bakersfield of Jacksonville, Fla. had enrolled at University of Massachusetts Boston for the 2014 spring semester. Tragically, the misnomer “spring,” led Bakersfield to believe that the semester started in the spring. He realized his mistake in just enough time to embark on a haphazard, adventure fueled cross-country quest arriving at UMass Boston only five minutes late for his first class.
Unfortunately, the rushed and random nature of his journey left Bakersfield woefully unprepared to face the harsh New England climate. Wearing shorts and a t-shirt, Bakersfield sought out his Harbor Point apartment. His body being accustomed to the mild-Floridian climate could not withstand the cold, and Bakersfield apparently froze to death a block and half away from refuge.
UMass Boston’s Emergency Services department has issued a warning to all students that have recently migrated from warmer climates. Unlike New Englander’s bodies, their bodies are not tailored to the cold. As such, it is recommended that students remain indoors as much as possible. When forced to venture out into the cold, students should travel in huddled packs to keep warm.
Angry response letter from warm climate student:
I was shocked and appalled to read the article entitled, “Floridian freshman killed in cold snap.” This supposed joke is offensive on many levels. First of all, I am from Florida and I was well aware of when the spring semester started. The suggestion that a Floridian would be so thoroughly befuddled by the appellation of a semester as to nearly miss his first day of class is preposterous. Floridians are perfectly capable of determining the start and end of class sessions without relying solely on their doltish denominations.
Secondly, and more importantly, the concept that warm climates causes human beings that live in them to be significantly impaired when compared to human beings that live in cold climates is scientifically unsound and has been the basis of prejudicial justification for centuries. Phrenologists used the same idea to justify the enslavement and massacre of many races of men from mild climates. To purport such an idea as fact, even as a joke, breathes life into a slowly dying idea and should not be tolerated on a campus that so loudly celebrates the diversity of its plebeians. The entire Mass Media staff should be ashamed of themselves for publishing such an abhorrent article.