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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Massachusetts becomes only place to ban a lettah in the alphabet

I hope you haven’t been livin unda a bouldah as of late because if you have: kudos to you in making it this fah because ya pulling off something that’s as hazadous as an 18 wheelah pushing 70 ovah a pothole. The English alphabet dwindled down to 25 lettahs in Massachusetts, in what Govanah Bakah says is an attempt to eliminate all Stahbucks locations in the bay state.

A lot of people living heeya ah happy with the change; some people ah fumin though, but that’s ok, it’s only the white collahed snowflakes that cayah too much. All we need now is to give peace back to the community, and we can do that by giving the snowflakes the Nawth End, that way Boston can block it off again by building anotha highway that’s 80 feet high faw a happily evah afta.

Banning the lettah will have consequences though, like y’know, taking the 20 dwellahs of Westin Mass into a culchah that doesn’t depend on six flags fa dopamine and a day job. Howeva, many people, including Scotty “nubs” O’Donnell, think Bakah’s a genius.

“If theya’s any population capable of taking a lettah out of theya dialect, it’s us. We have MIT, Hahvid, Nawtheastin, the whole nine yahds”. O’Donnell, who attended two semestahs at the discontinued Mayflowah Community College, thought his outta touch self could hang with the best of em, and he did fa about 20 seconds.

Scotty’s devoted to Govanah Bakah. “He’s voted the best Govanah in Massachusetts because of policies like this.” When asked why he thinks Bakah’s not the only Govanah, he backpedaled. “Mahkey’s not a Govanah? Whattaya talking about? He’s been heya fa yeahs.” It was at this moment that I figya’d out that Scotty has the same IQ as Mistah Costanza.

Scotty’s blundah shows that he hasn’t been keeping up with the news, eitha. The US senate—Mahkey included—is voting on making that speck of land they call a state into Southyn Massachusetts, because if ya most populah town is named afta a cylindah stick of death, change is needed. Soon, the fake island will be no mowah and Connecticut will take the blame fa the otha daht company that has ah now defunct town name on it.

Fa Scotty, I invited his wife Fiona ovah fa an intaview. Scotty doesn’t know that Fiona and me had this intaview this past Sunday, so don’t tell Scotty. Fiona, a snowflake haself, doesn’t undahstand why the state banned the lettah.

“I mean, come on? You think society makes fun of ya fa not being able to enunciate? All it is the lettah *!” Fiona was detained immediately by the cops on standby, who happened to be heeya in case a situation like this unfolded. She’s expected to have a sentence similah to Whitey’s.

Fiona’s not the only one stuck between a blahney stone and a hahd place. Some people had to change names, and those who chose not to ah spending time in Walpole and Plymouth. One guy fawced to change it was Scituate native Connah Cullagh, whose love fa the govament has gone stale.

“I can’t even use my spotify playlist while I get myself pumped up befowa going to bahs and asking chicks if they like apples to get theya numbah.” Cullagh paused faw a moment and weeped. “What am I gonna do now that I can neva heya ‘Shipping up to Boston’ again?” A light bulb went off in his head. “Wait, Bono exists!” he said in a joyful tone. “He’s the best elf to evah come outta Iyaland, how did I fahget about him?!?!”; looks like Connah has finally found what he was looking faw.

Many “talented” hometown celebs, like Mahky Mahk, ah debating whetha to change theya name to upkeep theya citizenship. Mahk isn’t a fan of legally changing his last name to “Meatpatty,” which is why he’s staying in Nevada. One of his siblings, Bobby, has the same opinion as Mahk and is choosing to move in with him, but Donnie and Paul have anotha angle on the mattah. “Bobbo” doesn’t wanna be associated with Donnie and isn’t changing it because he knows “New Kids on the Block” sucks. Fa the siblings changing theya name, Paul is using it to expand his fast food chain, debating between “Pauly’s Patty’s” and  “Sloppy Pauly’s.”

Fa Donnie, he’s adapting to what is happening in quite a commendable mannah.

“It is what it is. I can’t do anything about it, ” he said in an annoyed voice. Donnie ended the intaview on shawt notice. “Now, if you excuse me, I gotta go be the only detective capable of catching felons in all neigbahoods of New Yawk,” he said in a condescending tone. Donnie then shot an episode of Blue Bloods that latah got a 6.1 scowah on IMDB; of cawse, not his fault because well, he’s Donnie Meatpatty.

Some people in Massachusetts have a lot to say about the changes made, but if anything, it’s best to keep up with the times, and keep theya mouths shut. Look at JFK, theya’s an aim behind why he chose to neva say his middle name, and all the otha Boston icons followed suit: it’s because of this. They made these changes yestaday to institute leaps in culchah today, and we shouldn’t deny that they ah the Einstein’s of ah time. It’s about time society stops and acknowledges why both Boston and Massahusetts have come so fah.

About the Contributor
Nick Collins, Sports Editor