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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Bobby Beacon joins Blue Man Group


Bobby stands with the Blue Men Group staring at him while they all beat the paint drums. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

America’s favorite gaslighter, Bobby Beacon, has added to his ever-growing list of endeavors, this time joining the Boston staple, and notable form of nightmare fuel, Blue Man Group. You may think that Bobby would be able to fit right into the bunch, but the process was actually a lot harder than most would presume. One of the more challenging aspects of the audition was that Bobby has the ability to talk. If you aren’t familiar with the Blue Man Group, just know that they haven’t unlocked that ability in the simulation yet.

The funny thing is, Bobby hadn’t even heard of them until he was fulfilling his contractual duties at the Charles River. He saw the three of them playing blue rover—a spin on the classic game of red rover, where two members run at the remaining member with their arms interlocked, alternating turns clotheslining each other.

Nonetheless, he approached the group, referring to them as Charles, Chuck and Charlie, even though they all had “hello, my name is” stickers on their shirts. The shortest member, “Chuck,” who stood 6’4”, had scribbles on his sticker with two V’s in the middle. The second member of the group, “Charlie,”  stood 6’6” and had some digits on his sticker that worryingly may have been his social security number. As for the third member, “Charles,” he stood a staggering 6’10” and had the name “George” written in perfect handwriting, the only problem being that his name extended from his sticker onto his shirt.

Bobby tried initiating a conversation with the three, but unknowingly caught himself in an audition. He grew hostile of the situation once they started to spit blue paint onto his torso, and began to scream at them:

“Look, I don’t know who the f— you people are, or who the hell told you that it’s a good idea to steal my mojo, but look at me. I’m the blue man now!” They were baffled by Bobby’s stature and dripping charisma, not to mention his ability to talk without moving his mouth. The Blue Man Group had found their new member. Double V proceeded to take out his iPod 4 and search up “Blue Man Group” on Firefox, which showed they had a show later that night. From that point forward, Bobby was intrigued, and once he showed the slightest interest, the group decided to pick Bobby up and carry him to the venue so they wouldn’t be late for rehearsals.

Initially, the group saw Bobby as a great replacement for the broken spotlight that fell from the roof earlier that week. They believed that utilizing Bobby as not only a part of the group, but also as a reliable source of light, would get the crowd going. During rehearsals though, the group grew irritable because Bobby did not want to reenact the spotlight accident from earlier that week by intentionally falling from the roof as a stunt for the show. The group attempted to intimidate him by surrounding him with their famous wide-eyed stare—a tried and true form of guilt tripping.

 Another problem arose after Bobby couldn’t prove he was half man, half lighthouse without his birth certificate. This raised questions about whether the show could go on without him. They soon came to a compromise once Bobby displayed his ability to play the drums using only his head, and made up for his inability to spit paint by using paint buckets instead. The group also came to the realization that Bobby’s spotlight could be used to target audience members disrupting the show, allowing time for the group to take matters into their own hands. Nothing beats Bobby’s improvised stand-up routine though, and soon enough, it was showtime.

The show was going great; the audience was really into it, especially when Bobby was used as a strobe light. The fun, however, didn’t last long. Bobby was never told of the group’s plans to shave his head bald. If anything, the group would’ve never tried to do such a thing until Bobby’s stand-up bit happened.

It’s known by many that Bobby Beacon’s a pretty funny guy, so it came as no surprise that the moment he picked up the only microphone in the entire venue—located in the PA box—the audience was reeling. Bobby had one secret weapon on his side, and that was the vulnerability that comes with baldness. He broke the ice with a witty one liner:

“I think the blue man group confused biotin with blue tin.” He continued his act with a few more remarks, such as noting his disbelief in the thought that Selsun Blue shampoo causes baldness, how he nearly ripped the skin off of their heads because he thought they were wearing bald caps and even made a point about how they’re the complete opposite of the Smurfs because they’re jolly blue giants that can’t grow any hair. The biggest punchline of the night nearly made Bobby go lights out:

“Enough about laser pointers, if I shined my light on one of their heads, you can forget about any plane landing safely!” The audience may have been in a trance from laughter, but Double V finally snapped, and the no-talking gimmick was over for the Blue Man Group.

“Will you ever shut the f— up and get some new material?!” The boos were so loud they could’ve caused turbulence in a 737 landing at Logan, so as it turns out, the Blue Man Group really are a hazard to pilots. The group had enough, and as the crowd made a b-line to the exit, George grabbed the razor while the other two held Bobby down. Bobby screamed as loud as he could, but to no avail.

Just when all hope was lost, a light bulb went off—literally. Bobby blinded the wide-eyed cultists and performed mop-up duty at the playhouse for one last encore to go along with a final one liner:

“Well, now their heads are shinier than ever,” he said, smiling as always. Soon flooded by a wave of cheers, Bobby proved once and for all that he is, indeed, the blue man now.

About the Contributor
Nick Collins, Sports Editor