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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

2-26-24 PDF
February 26, 2024
An inside look at Bobby B. Beacon’s insides. Illustrated by Bianca Oppedisano/ Mass Media Staff.
Bobby's Inside Story
February 26, 2024

Turn down for what? Cheesy pick-up lines!

Turn up for these kittens on Valentines day
Turn up for these kittens on Valentine’s day

Turn down for what? It is the age-old question that makes Lil’ Jon out to be wise beyond his years. However, there are things to turn down for. The things women should turn down are the men who try to pick up women at various social gatherings using the most cliché pick-up lines. It’s insulting and now a challenge to be as painfully cheesy in return, just to be fair and to bring balance to the world. Being unceremoniously hit on is going to affect your chi, or the force, or both.
Sometimes being hit on can be flattering, sometimes he’s the one. Other times he is not and maybe you’re feeling like being a reverse Barney Stinson — that is to say a reverse pick-up artist. When flirtation becomes excessive and a man repeatedly asks where you are going you want to be ready with a quip like, “I’m going to Narnia and even if it weren’t fictitious, you would not be invited”. Being hit on when out for a classic girl’s night out is not on the agenda, and quite frankly, it is a party foul. The Ted Mosby is the kind of guy who tries to find a date on Valentine’s Day, not that this is a condemnation, but merely a sign that you have found Ted Mosby at the wrong time in his life. Note: it is without apology that there are not one, but two, “How I Met Your Mother” references.
There are plenty of defense strategies for going out on the town when you just don’t feel like being hit on. These techniques are for the days when you or a friend go through a break-up, and by the logic of solidarity, all men are evil (disclaimer: they’re not, the effects are only temporary). One of the strategies that enforces this solidarity while also working double-time as an attraction invisibility shield is to wear matching outfits with your closest friends, as this will incite the imagery of the hive mentality that intimidates men. Plus, he will think you are either moving really fast like The Flash or he is seeing double, but either way he will start doubting his own faculties. If he was drinking he probably got cut off when he claims there are two of you.
Kryptonite subject matter may also be the way to go. This one is going to be rare, but extremely gratifying; if you come across a Tom you can share how you refer to your Time Of the Month as T.O.M. too, and how you just don’t believe in coincidences, but that fate brought you together. Along the same lines of taboo subjects on the same topic, you can change the subject from flattery to Shark Week. Once his interest has peaked it is time to reveal that you also refer to your cycle as Shark Week, for obvious reasons. Let the ambiguous statement linger and his imagination will do the work. Be sure to have class and use one reference or the other, but not both because they are too similar.
Sometimes you really can kill them with kindness. It doesn’t have to be all Shark Week and no fun. In case of emergency, talk about your five “real” cats excessively and make sure all of their names rhyme. It will force them to associate you with all single cat ladies and either become disinterested which is one of the desired outcomes, or prove he has a soft side as a worthy conversationalist.
For those who are really trying to scare guys away, you could write an article about how to do it and show it to them. Because that just shows a level of forethought and ambition that intimidates men. If he still thinks that all of this is funny and you are witty, you may need to rethink your strategy and end-game. Your arsenal consists of your words like a non-violent resolution to a Saturday morning cartoon from your childhood. Be careful with your power, and remember the words of Uncle Ben, “with great power, comes great responsibility.”