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The Mass Media

Rick Santorum’s Guide to Spring Fashion

I make this face when I see argyle.
I make this face when I see argyle.

  

Hey folks! As you’ve probably noticed, spring is upon us, and so it’s time to ditch the sweater vests and dig out the seersucker as the weather keeps getting warmer. To help all the guys out there, I’ve put together some spring fashion recommendations to make sure you’re looking good for all the other fella-… uh… ladies out there. First, let’s talk about who… er… what is definitely out this year. I hate to be the one who says it, but plaid is deader than my daughter’s right to choose. Ditch that awful, tacky madras in favor of bright bright colors… blues are good, greens are better, but of course salmon is the best!

You know what else is out? Jorts. Yuck. Nothing is less flattering on a strong, glistening calf than the ripped hem of a cutoff jean leg hovering just above it. Yes, we all knew it was cool when George Michael wore white denim above the knee on Wham!’s 1984 “Careless Whisper” tour, but that was then in England, and this is now in America. You might still turn heads, but it will be for the wrong reason. Solid color khakis (or seersucker if you’re sweating more than a single mom in church) are really your best option.

And you’ve got to make sure you match your new power bottoms with a strong top. I personally am a big fan of J. Crew’s new pastel line, but if you’re going for something a little bit edgier, perhaps a little bit louder and flashier, Kenneth Cole makes just a divine striped polo. Nothing says “we’re here, we’re fierce, we want the government to determine who we can and can’t marry” better than purple-on-cream stripes.

Silly me, I almost forgot about accessories! Here, I have to admit, I’ve sinned: for years I’ve been wearing socks with my Tevas, but I’ve got to pull a Romney here, and flip flop for flip flops! Now, there are Godless hippies who are trying to get you to wear hemp Rainbows, but trust me, what you really want are nice Eva and nylon ones from Vineyard Vines. That way, your feet won’t stink, you won’t be tacitly promoting the radical homosexual agenda, and plus, the little whales are super cute and fun!

If you’re going to be spending a lot of time outside having some fun in the sun, you’ll want to pick up a good beach hat. It’s tricky to find stylish hats that also give your skin the shade it needs, but if you can pair it with some Oliver Peoples Thesoloist Teardrop Aviators, or in a pinch Ray-Ban Wayfarers, you should be able to pull off just about anything short of a backwards baseball cap. Plus, a good pair of glasses lets you walk down any beach and look at who you want to without other people knowing who you are or what you’re looking at, if you catch my drift.

If you follow these simple tips, you never be wrong, only fabulous. Of course, you should feel free to experiment with all sorts of different styles to find out what suits you best, but I recommend doing this privately in a changing room (or, in a pinch, airport bathroom). Once people see you out of your walk in closet, they can be really mean!