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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Why You’ll Die


I have developed an unhealthy obsession. This time it isn’t burgers or your mom – it’s the idea of a zombie apocalypse. If such an apocalypse occurs, some people will obviously die while some badasses will survive. Being the revolutionaries that we are, Eva and I decided to come up with a comprehensive list of the kinds of UMass Boston students that would most probably not survive an outbreak of the undead. So let’s get to it, shall we?

PORKY PEOPLE: Ok let’s face it, if you can’t get from the Upper Level to the first floor without stopping to catch your breath like 4 times, how the hell do you expect to survive a zombie apocalypse? If you get on the elevator alone and it tells you “capacity surpassed,” how are you going to be able to outrun a bunch of blood thirsty zombies? The answer is simple- you aren’t. You’re death is going to be similar to how you run- slow and with a lot of gasping for air.

PRE MEDS: Oh my dear pre meds, where do I start? Most of the pre meds I’ve met here come across as pompous self centered douches who think they’re more important that everybody else simply because they take organic chemistry. Guess what? You haven’t saved anyone’s life yet, and even if you did, zombies really don’t care. While you were in the library with your head up your ass, the track team was practicing running. Guess which skill is going to be more useful when the undead come for you? Go right ahead and try to explain to a zombie how difficult your schedule is and how you have no time to care about their silly apocalypse. I’m sure it will work.

THE ENTIRE MASS MEDIA STAFF: how do you expect people who enjoy writing excruciatingly long articles about absurdly boring topics, like campus constructions and dodge ball tourneys, to survive a zombie apocalypse… or get laid? Instead of avoiding zombies like every rational human, we’re probably going to try to talk to them to get their side of the story. In fact, we have more chance of seeing a one eyed one horned flying purple people eater than surviving.

STUDENTS WHO AREN’T WHITE, ASIAN, HISPANIC OR ISLANDERS: in almost every horror/action movie ever made who is the most certain character to die? I’ll tell you who – the black guy. It’s true, it happened in Scream 2 and 4 (Omar Epps), Friday the 13th, I Know What You Did Last Summer and almost all its prequels, Resident Evil, Star Wars: Revenge of The Sith, heck even video games. The list could go on forever but I’ll stop there. If a zombie apocalypse occurs and you’re black, I have two words for you: sorry bro. By the way, I’m black and I write for The Mass Media, so I’m probably going to be one of the first.

OCCUPY UMASS BOSTON: not to call you guys out or anything, but even though you smell as bad as zombies, that’s not going to stop them from eating your THC soaked brains. I don’t think protesting and chanting against the zombies is going to help either. Seriously, what are you guys going to do, occupy the apocalypse? Good luck with that.

About the Contributor
Osahh Aim served as opinions editor for The Mass Media the following years: Spring 2012; 2012-2013; 2013-2014; 2014-2015 Aim also briefly served as Managing Editor in Spring 2015.