The intellectuals don’t accept me because I’m a stoner. And the stoners don’t accept me because I’m an intellectual. But that’s life. And:

MiMi, our Arts Editor, playing the intellectual, said, “Mike, you’re a stoner, why don’t you review this book?” And she thrusts out a small volume entitled, the “Original (Un) Official Rules of Joint Smoking,” and I flip through a couple of pages, finally alighting upon Rule #68, The Breakfast Joint Rule:

“You must always smoke a breakfast joint, since the first joint of the day is usually the best joint of the day.” I read out loud to MiMi and start to chuckle. Yes, wake & bake is important.

“Cool,” says I, as MiMi hurries from the room. But I leap to my feet, chasing her, yelling, “Didn’t any dope come with it?”

I had arrived at the door of the newsroom, and was standing there, dejectedly, as MiMi turned to me and scowled. I smiled at her. “Oh well, good thing I had my breakfast joint,” I giggled.

And so it goes…

And everybody who sees me with the book makes a comment, or wants to leaf through the pages, or wants to smoke a joint with me. It’s a terrible burden to be carrying this book around. You know what else?

The book came with a two CD set, “Rip this Joint,” chock full of music-songs with smoking and drinking as central subject matters, ya’ know. From old hippie tunes to contemporary tripping jam bands; from Canned Heat and Humble Pie to The Disco Biscits Strangefolk.

So we smoked and rocked out and laughed over the insightfull rules, based on years of intensive field work by the author. Most of the rules are about good manners, like rule #15, which says roll a joint before your roomate gets home so the smoking can start right away, or rule #16, The Bogart Rule,which says don’t bogart the joint.

But some of the rules are very practical, like rule #4, for instance, The Stashing the Pot When Authority Figures Arrive Rule: If the authorities show up, it is EVERYBODY’s responsibility to hide contraband. This is a very important rule, for obvious reasons. Or The Burn One With Your Supplier Rule, also very important for good future business relations.

I liked the On The Tray Rule: “If the tray is left out, and there is pot on it, feel free to help yourself! That is what it’s there for. After all, marijuana is meant to be shared.” So, yeah, people were sharing with me, and I was sharing right back.

But, of course, about that time, I started to get paranoid. “I can’t write this article, I’m an authority figure! I’m supposed to conduct myself with a certain amount of politically correct decorum.”

And today, a co-worker leafs through the book, laughing, and I mention I’m writing a review of the book. And she continues to laugh, asking, between spasms, “To be published?”

“Yers, of course,” I say.

And she laughs more. “Man, you’ve got balls. It’s been nice knowing you…”

But there’s freedom of speech in the United States, right? Isn’t that a rule somewhere? Don’t even stoners get to talk or write about what they did over the weekend? So, I read a book. Big deal. It wasn’t a serious book, it was a joke book.

If you want to see reading a book as an act of rebellion against an illogical and repressive system, well, that’s your interpretation.

I was just playing make believe. Yeah, that’s it, I made it all up. I never read the book, and I didn’t smoke any dope. And I woulld advise that none of our readers should get stoned and buy the “Original (Un) Official Rules of Joint Smoking” and start laughing their asses off.

“The Original (Un) Official Rules of Joint Smoking” is available from the Telegraph Company, www.TheTelegraphCompany.com

“Rip this Joint” is available from High Times, www.HighTimes.com or www.KingBiscitRadio.com