Tuesday, November 7 8:00 AM: Bells erupted last in the Campus Center last Tuesday. Unfortunately Police realized the ringing merely to be a false security alarm on the third floor, and not the raging unlicensed festivities they hoped it to be. 12:57 PM: Police investigated a claim of public drunkenness near the Quinn Administration Building. Police arrived at the scene and found the reported offender to be a drunken wanderer who happened to find his way onto one of UMB’s illustrious Crystal Line buses.   Wednesday, November 8 4:33 AM: Police looked into a security alarm that went off in the Service Building. Upon further investigation, Police realized nothing had broken into the building and their services were no longer required. 7:52 AM: Sirens, lights, bells and whistles roared in notification of the Police. They rushed to the scene in wait of distress, intrusion, and pandemonium and found there to be only a…failed security alarm. 9:38 AM: A woman fell into seizures at Wheatley Hall. Police arrived at the scene and called for an ambulance to assist the girl. 1:49 PM: Another woman had seizures, but this time it happened in McCormack. She too was taken to the hospital upon request. 7:21 PM: Two cars collided on University Drive North. By the time Police arrived, the two drivers had already exchanged paperwork and were on their way to reconciliation. See people, we can come to a resolution if we put our minds to it. Thursday, November 9 1:09 PM: A sex-crazed imbecile was reported to Police for purportedly having touched a female UMB student in an “unwelcome” manner. Police arrived at the scene only to find that the “grabby” fellow had left the scene. Police description reports that women should be on the lookout for men…   6:28 PM: A larceny was reported. Sunday, November 12 12:26 PM: A UMB woman injured her ankle in the Clark Center. Police arrived at the scene to help but found that the woman’s friend was prepping to take her to the hospital. 12:53 PM: Police rushed to the scene expecting to face imminent demise.  And as they approached the scene what did they find but…a mechanical failure. -compiled and commented on by Tix Dixon