Dear UMBeMine:

Do chicks (or dudes for that matter) know when they make guys are nervous? If so, do they think it’s cute or pathetic?

Nervous Ned Needlemyer, in Cambridge

Dear Nervous Ned: Generally, if a guy is nervous because he’s talking to a chick he thinks is attractive, someone he has just met, it’s apparent that this dude is here for the digits, or for flirtation. If he’s shaking at the knees, or sweating from his forehead, it’s not something I’d consider debonair, because if you have the courage to come find me in the bar or on the street, and you don’t even know me, there’s not too much at stake, and if you’re nervous over just talking, what else are you nervous about? I just think that’s a red flag for premature ejaculation. Plus, I’m too nervous to deal with another person’s nervousness. I can only imagine awkward phone conversations, where he asks ‘how are you?’ about a dozen times, then a couple of hehe’s.

If a guy of the street is that nervous, I can only guess that he’ll be ringing me up with drunken phone calls when he’s found the liquid courage. But, if the guy is someone I’ve known for a while and we’re at that in between stage: are we friends? Are we more than friends? Here nervousness can be endearing. This is when doing quirky things like picking single flowers from the sidewalk, or bringing me oranges because I have a cold, while mixing up his words and hiding love notes in my books, is absolutely adorable. Shyness can win if it’s genuine and not straight out social anxiety. And yes, we know when you’re nervous, we know when you like us, we know when you just want to jump our bones. Since when did guys think they were suddenly complicated?

More love,Wicked Pussycat

Dear UMBeMine: Do women check out guys’ packages in public?

Hides His Privates in Boston

Dear Private: Meow! That’s a hard one, pun intended. Do you check out my breasts, butt, legs, and then, oh, yeah, my eyes? I think so, especially if you’re merely a sex interest. Now, I like to look for a lot more in a man than his penis, honestly, such as chest, buns (Latin men win, hands down. Every time.) and his precious face. The only time I’ll check out a gu’ys package is if he’s dancing on the bar in a Speed-O at the gay club, but even then they’re sometimes prosthetic (as I found out the not-so-hard way.) If a man wants his package checked out, he’ll make sure it gets attention.

So, yes, I’ll look if he’s dressed like David Bowie in the Labyrinth, but I won’t judge him for it. If it resembles a cocktail weiner, I’m probably not giving him my phone number, but maybe we can meet up for yoga, group therapy, or something platonic.

More something anyway,Wicked Pussycat

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