Cue the grainy picture, patriotic music, and smarmy voice. Kaiser Gates’ X-Box 360 war machine has slowed down since it’s initial blitzkrieg into mass market earlier this year, with it’s price being about the same as the number in its name citizens have stopped complaining about the reaming they are getting at the register. The Sony Playstation 3, promised to be the greatest machine ever, however had problems first with its initial price estimated to be in the five-hundred dollar range, Sony now states that due to DRM and hardware limitations that the PS3’s Blue-Ray drive will not be able to decode and play Blue-Ray disks. Not only is it likely that the PS3 will crash and burn but it may also take the entertainment giant down with it. Nintendo is still keeping mum on the Wii but its predicted that it will be the next big bang in the console wars since the atomic one.

Okay, enough with the World War II-esque propaganda. The three big players in this round of console wars are Microsoft’s X-Box 360, Sony’s PS3, and the Nintendo Wii. Microsoft launched an X-box blitz earlier by flooding the market with X-Box 360s compared to previous console launches. However due to the cost to make the consoles Microsoft is actually losing money on the X-Box. Those high end graphics card that make the games look so good don’t come cheap. Their main plan appears to be to get everyone to buy an X-Box 360 before any other new consoles come out, thus monopolizing the gaming market. My main issue with the X-Box is the heavy focus on online play. Look, If I want to play online with other people I’ll do it on my computer where I don’t have to pay a monthly subscription. The PS3 when released will retail for $499. It will sell for $499. It will sell for $499. It will %@#*ing sell for $499! What The Hell Man!? First you only release like 20 PS2s during it’s first American release now your new console costs as much as the wide screen tv you have to buy to play it on. The icing on the cake is that the expensive Blue-Ray drives Sony is banking on wont even be able to play commercially released Blue-Ray disks due to hardware limitations and DRM. Essentially the player wont be able to decode the information on movie disks because of “security” software on the disk thus allowing owners of the PS3 to only play home made movie disks, and Blue-Ray burners for your PC are still a ways off.

Help me Nintendo Entertainment inc., you’re my only hope! The Nintendo Wii is the promised land my gaming brothers and sisters. With the console featuring ports for up to four controllers a new innovative controller that uses motion sensors rather than a standard joy stick allows you to really swing a sword or cast a fishing line, and with downloadable content you can download almost every Nintendo game and play it on your Wii. And with a retail price of $250 it is not only the cheapest but the best. The downside, it sounds like a giant dirty joke. The name of the console is Wii (pronounced wee) and the controller looks kinda like a sex toy. And it vibrates. This holiday seasons thousands of kids will be telling their friends “I’ll see you later I’m gonna go Wii” or “check out my Wii” or even “Why don’t we play with my Wii”.

That my readers is a brief look at the good, the bad, and the questionable about this round of console wars. I can only ask, why is Sony fucking itself over? What will Microsoft monopolize next? And what do the Japanses really understand the English connotations of Wii (wee)?