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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Week in Spurts

Hail, traveler, and well met! This is a Mooninite-free zone. We present, instead, selected winners of the 2007 Edwin Bulwer Lytton Fiction contest, which annually presents the worst writing in the world (ourselves excluded; we’re too lazy to enter): “I know what you’re thinking, punk,” hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, “you’re thinking, ‘Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?’ – and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel loquacious?’ – well do you, punk?” -Stuart Vasepuru, Edinburgh, Scotland Christy, lounging in the gondola which slipped smoothly through the enveloping mist had her first inkling that something was afoot as she heard pattering hooves below (for our story is not in Venice but Switzerland with its Provolone and Toblerone) and craning her not unlovely neck she narrowed her eyes at the dozen tiny reindeer, pelting madly down the goat trail.   -Irene Buttuls, Lytton, B.C.  Todd languished there, neck deep in the pumpkin-hued Amargosa Desert sand like a long forgotten cupcake in an Easy Bake Oven gone hellishly amok, and it finally made sense . . . “ooohhhh, DEATH Valley.”   -Jeffrey Barnes, Atlanta, Georgia     It was a day, like any other day, in that Linus got up, faced the sunrise, used his inhaler, applied that special cream between his toes, wrote a quick note and put it in a bottle, and wished he’d been stranded on the island with something other than 40 cases each of inhalers, decorative bottles, and special toe cream.   -Chris Harget, Campbell, CA While Hector and the heroes of Troy trembled behind the ramparts as cowboys below the walls raced up and down the beach, six-guns blazing and cries of “yee-hah!” filling the air, other cowboys across the sea were laboring gamely but in vain to throw a palisade around Wichita, Kansas, thereby adding veracity to the old homily of history that it is easier to cow a fortified city than to fortify a cow city.   -Christopher Backeberg, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa The day was like any other, except that this was a Wednesday so it was really only like 1/7th of the other days.   -Randy Wilson , New Albany, IN   Despite the vast differences it their ages, ethnicity and religious upbringing, the sexual chemistry between Roberto and Heather was the most amazing he had ever experienced; and for the entirety of the Labor Day weekend they had sex like monkeys on espresso, not those monkeys in the zoo that fling their feces at you, but more like the monkeys in the wild that have those giant red butts and access to an espresso machine.   -Dennis Barry, Dothan, AL   Herr Professor Doktor Weiss’ reputation was made when he conclusively proved the fraudulency of the Mayan codex that claimed to show that that ancient people knew the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter to an exactitude unknown until modern times, in his article, “Bye, Bye, Mesoamerican Pi.”   -John L. Drost, Barboursville, WV.