We as a nation of God fearing Patriots have forgotten how to hate. Now listen, I’m not talking about hating a guy because of where he likes to stick his junk or where his last name comes from; I’m talking about hating a guy for the simple fact he is a douche. Hate is a natural feeling that has survived evolution for a reason. We all do it. Some of us use euphemisms like “I strongly dislike”, or tell themselves that they don’t want the negative energy that comes along with hating someone. We all hate someone, or something that people do. Embrace it. We must stop suppressing our hate. Let your capillaries expand and pulse quicken let your body release the anger. All our feelings exist for a reason.

I get my daily hate release on the subway. It’s basic Forrest Gump level stuff. If you’re going to stand on an escalator and not walk up the stairs, stand to the right. Let all the other people that know how to use their legs, and like to show up on time through. I got it, you’re claustrophobic and you need to stand by the door. As long as you don’t breath on me, or step on m toe, I don’t care. But you need to do us a favor. Get out of the way. It’s pretty easy. When the train stops, get out and let people off and on. After everyone is on, board the train and you’ll be the closest one to the door. Your mental and emotional problems are you’re business, until they affect me. Have a little bit of class and stop bringing other people into you’re miserable, self centered world. Also, you pudgeballs need to learn that you’re too fat to sit on the T. If you can’t sit down without your cottage cheese ass sticking in the other two seats, you should stand. It’s bad enough you don’t respect your own body, don’t disrespect mine by letting your fat-sweat touch me.

And to all you little pink hats out there, there’s a special chamber in my soul where I store your hate. Who played leftfield before Manny? Why is Johnny Pesky held in such high regard? Do you even remember shots of Joe Mooney always looking pissed-off, or Bob Montgomery rambling on about catchers? This isn’t a sexist thing; we have male pink hats in our midst also. These are the people that act as though they live and die with the Red Sox win/loss record, but couldn’t name one minor league player. I like my sports conversation to be a little more than, “Youk is awesome!” Every time I am in a bar surrounded by you people, I want to punch my face in the balls. Can you all just stop it and find some other meat head/ I’m a fat chic with a great personality activity to fill your time? Do the sports fans who aren’t idiots a favor and stick to binge drinking and teabagging your passed out buddy.

Just like anybody else that has read a science book, I hate religion. Nothing’s worse than a couple of guys from Barnum and Bialy’s Cult College knocking on my door asking, “If I’d like to talk about god.” (Opps sorry God I don’t want to get struck by lightning) I really like Nirvana. I could talk about them all day. When I see another guy that likes Nirvana, we talk about Nirvana. When I see a guy who doesn’t like Nirvana, we talk about stuff we both hate. What I don’t do is knock on your door and try to push my views about Nirvana down your throat. I don’t try t pass laws based on my interpretation of Nirvana’s lyrics. I’m not going to hang out in Harvard Square with a megaphone asking all passers by to love and embrace Kurt Cobian. I could just as easily knock on your door with astronomy and biology text books and try to convince you the earth is not 7,000 years old. I will tolerate any person’s views, but I don’t have to respect them. If believing in unicorns and magic have a placebo effect on you, and help you get through your day, more power to you. I beg of you. Please, shut up about it around me.

Hate is natural; it is beautiful and will help get you out of bed in the morning. Stop acting like you are too good to hate something. You’re not special or better than anyone. You’re just as vanilla-plain as everybody else. Get off your high horse and admit you hate people. Worrying about the karma makes about as much sense as worrying about Santa Clause. The best part is, someone probably hates you. Hate is a tremendous source of confidence. Hate only happens when you are so sure of yourself that you instantly hate anyone not up to your standards. A man without hate is a soulless individual.