It was always hard for me to go home during college—especially during the holidays. It always made for a mixed bag of emotions, expectations, and disappointments. Depending on the year and the type of family dynamics, visits and gatherings can feel very awkward, or even bleak.

I have long struggled with a family that is fairly uneducated on most social justice issues—especially regarding race, gender, and sexual orientation—so when any of these topics were brought up, it almost always turned into a situation of them versus me.

It sucked. It wasn’t fun.

But over the years, I have learned a *lot* and am willing to share some of this knowledge with you. Hopefully, we can come to a space of some understanding with our friends and families who may not hold the same beliefs or morals.

With the current political landscape being pretty divided and frayed across many topics, platforms, and party lines, it’s important to always affirm that you are a person of worth who deserves respect—as do others. Granted, there are limits, especially if someone’s opinions and values are intrinsically tied to invalidating your humanity. In which case, get rid of those toxic people and do you.

You are priority number one.

I tell this to a lot of students when they say they’re either stressed or anxious. Taking care of yourself should be the number one priority in life. Sure, school is important, and family, and friends, and work—but if you aren’t taking care of yourself, then you can’t really take care of or support those other aspects of life.

This means a few things:

Take breaks from family—even when you’re home. If things get heated around the dinner table, don’t feel obligated to be at every meal, or to be in every conversation.

Take a break from the internet—there’s too much noise. It’s also important to spend time with people you may not see very often.

For the longest time, I tried to give a lot of myself to a family that didn’t really seem to care or want me around so much, so I would call upon my friends to keep me busy. We would hang out, go to movies, concerts, or just chill out somewhere.

Make space for conversations—I know that everyone is in a different space in their development, and that’s fine! It’s essential to recognize that some folks haven’t been exposed to some levels of education or even to many of the social justice issues you may hold close to your heart. In which case, remind yourself that conversations on social justice and politics are not one-off conversations if you want your mom or dad or sister or aunt to understand something about you, your identities, or even just the word at-large. They take time to evolve.

Talk with your loved ones one-on-one and find some common ground. Try not to speak over each other and keep things calm. Hear people out and simply listen to each other. Especially with conversations being pretty political these days, it’s hard not to veer into some troubling territory where we might upset or enrage one another. So refrain from lecturing to people, and as hard as it might be, try not to be condescending.

Yes, that’s coming from a dude from Oregon—one of the most condescending and pretentious places to live. But as someone who has been viewed by his family as a “pretentious educated brat,” I’ve found that keeping a level tone and a casual demeanor help a lot more than say, yelling.

Yelling feels so good, though. But don’t yell. It doesn’t help anything.

As someone who has been kicked out of Thanksgiving dinner, it’s imperative that you don’t yell.

Also, ask questions and try to understand where your family members are coming from. Engage with their interests, and not necessarily with their positions on issues. Bring up stories you have experienced or have learned along your college experience. Don’t assume things. And try to keep your tone non-confrontational. Voice when you have even the slightest agreement so that you can keep conversations moving forward, and definitely voice when you disagree but also recognize when ideological confusions and differences are a natural part of life.

Lastly, silences are okay. Learn to appreciate silence.

People take time to learn. In your breaks, take time for silence and appreciate the nothingness therein.

Some of these approaches can seem like a bit of work, and it might be stressful at times, but overall, I think you’ll find a lot of peace and confidence with this approach. Make sure your family knows you aren’t gonna give up on talking about these issues if they’re important to you, but also don’t force things. You aren’t gonna change anyone’s mind overnight.

It took my dad four years to finally accept my queer identities and he finally did so at a Thanksgiving dinner. So there’s hope out there yet.

And as always, my office is on the third floor of the Campus Center (3407) within the Student Activities Office, so feel free to come by whenever if you would like to learn more about health and wellness, get involved, or to just chat about life. Or reach me at [email protected].