A massive Boredom outbreak has hit the UMB community. Students have been caught sleeping in class, slumped on the floors in the hallways, and listlessly staring at the ceiling. Officials are concerned that the outbreak could easily become a pandemic. “Boredom can be very contagious, and hard to control once it has gone viral,” the Federal Bureau of Academics (FBA) wrote in a statement last week. “One yawn, or disinterested eye roll,” they went on to say, “Can be enough to infect entire classrooms. If strenuous effort is not made to contain the virus much of America’s classrooms could become completely aphetic within a few months.” Even the UMB hacky-sackers have become more like hacky-slackers, seemingly uninspired by their sackkicking contest. Instead they now simply stare at each other in a circle. Most of Massachusetts has been infected, leaving students state wide drowsy, unemotional husks of their former selves. Not even professors are safe from this dreaded disease. On the UMB campus several professors have become bored by their own lectures, and are letting the classes out earlier and earlier. Communications professor Mike Burly was asked to sit down with MM for an interview, and while he agreed to it, the only responses he could muster where shrugs of the shoulder followed by a strained, “Who gives a damn.” The effects of the boredom outbreak have been horrendous on students’ lifestyles. Many formerly hard working students have given up on their classes all together, and now live in a semi-unconscious state close to death. Several people have starved to death because the concept of food consumption was just too blasé. Symptoms of boredom infection include having a zombie-like expression, glazed eyes, and a tendency to stay absent-minded. Other symptoms include frequent yawning, lose of bowel control. Medical experts have rushed to narrow down the source of this epidemic Sources of this disease include: 1) Reading long dry articles that require Da Vinci Code level intellect to decipher. 2) Trying to comprehend chemistry formulas that resemble alien crop circles or hieroglyphics. 3) Listening to a friend tell you about a dream they had. 4) Staring at a blank wall, counting. 5) Watching paint dry. All of these activities may cause extreme symptoms. According to experts, the best tactic to use against this Easily Transmitted Disease (ETD), as the FBA calls it, is protection. Catch any of these symptoms early enough, and the devastating after-effects can be prevented altogether. Experts advise carrying an electronic device (e.g. Ipod, PSP, Laptop) that has access to Youtube at all times. Talking to attractive members of the opposite sex may also be helpful to carriers of this disease. If symptoms still persist, then students are advised to attempt kamikaze by swallowing a textbook whole while screaming, “Epic Faaaaaaail” as the best alternative to stop the spread of this epidemic. There is a yet untested alternative that a few brave students have tried with shaky results, the reading of the Mass Media.