Monday, April 15, 2019—In an effort to boost morale amid the contentious aftermath of the parking fee price hike, administration has established the UiMBibe shop on the ground floor of the west parking garage. The bright yellow, bodega-like structure with its plexiglass windows and crushed velvet curtains offers complimentary fuzzy slippers and mimosas to patrons of the garage.
“We think it’ll ease some of the sting of paying $15 to rent a 9-by-18-foot slab of concrete for a day,” said Roger Accunzo, the UiMBibe shop’s sole employee. Accunzo was decked out in a black tux and loafers which he said the university purchased for him. Accunzo continued: “They really want this place to be nice, you know? When you’re paying $15 for a parking spot that’s a ten-minute walk and several flights of stairs away from your classroom or office, you deserve some amenities.”
The shop quickly attracted a group of confused commuters. Upon learning from Accunzo that the free slippers and mimosas are funded by the University of Massachusetts Boston, a One-Stop staffer proceeded to grab and chug three of the fruity drinks. She then kicked off her shoes and put on a pair of lime green slippers. When asked for a comment, she laughed hysterically, grabbed an armful of slippers, and marched out of the garage.
Professor Jane Bryant of the economics department expressed her dismay at finding a school-funded complimentary slipper and mimosa shop in the parking garage. “I do appreciate the mimosas. One could almost argue that they are a necessity. But at the end the day, what I would appreciate more is the ability to park my car for a semester without taking out a second mortgage.”
Lindsey McAuliffe, a sophomore majoring in mathematics, questioned the speed at which the shop was constructed. “All I’m saying is Friday afternoon there was nothing here. Monday morning, there it is. Who built it? How were they able to build it so quickly? Can we hire them to finish the rest of the campus?”
As Accunzo served drinks to the drivers, questions arose regarding the legality of a university serving alcohol, especially in a parking garage to potentially underage students. When asked about the preparation of the mimosas, Accunzo replied, “Oh don’t worry. They’re non-alcoholic. Can you imagine the kind of trouble we’d be in if we actually served alcohol? More importantly, champagne is expensive. We’re not made of money!”