Pens in varying colors. Pencils with barely any lead left in them. A laptop, its black screen courtesy of a lost charger. College is tough, causing thoughts to frazzle like pens dropping on the floor everywhere. It’s demanding, like the notifications on a laptop screaming for more power. It’s draining, like the gradual and sudden loss of lead in the confines of a pencil. Oh, the things I wish I knew before I experienced it myself.
I wish I had known that college will demand me to reevaluate my mental health. I wish I had known that spiraling into anxiety and finally hitting rock bottom will be the precursor for the realization that, yes, my mental health is important, and I cannot go further without first addressing it. I wish I had known that the breakdowns in the bathroom would have happened, so that I could have prepared myself. Maybe I could’ve even comforted my future self and say, “It’s alright darling, you’ll be OK.” I wish I had known that stress can often evade sleep, and the fact that the eyes that cannot rest even under the closed lids is often the worst thing of all.
I wish I had known about true perseverance. About that glorious will to continue despite everything. I wish I had known that I am more capable than I give myself credit for—that I may have a panic attack in the bathroom but God forbid it prevents me from getting an A on this test. I wish I’d known about my own limits. I wish I’d known that tears are OK. That it’s OK to go to sleep even if you don’t feel completely prepared. It’s alright.
I wish I’d known about science. About how even if matter cannot be lost, sometimes it felt I’d faded into an abyss or a black hole. I wish I’d known that even if gravity says I’m walking on this earth, I still felt that I was just floating every day, never able to set my two feet on the ground. I wish I’d known about energy and how it would sometimes take all my strength to call it from somewhere.
I wish I’d known how cold bathroom floors can feel against the cheek and how your vocal cords can sometimes disappear while your mind screams.
I wish I’d known about hope, about determination, about my determination. Because despite everything, here I am, focused, driven, and motivated. I wish I’d known about myself. I wish I’d known that even if the universe throws things at me, I’ll still be OK. I’ll still continue to demand the best of myself. I’ll keep telling myself, “It’ll be alright, darling.”