Why do we procrastinate? There are many theories, but this is not a science article—it’s a humor article—so I won’t discuss these theories (I don’t know them, either way). Procrastination is a worldwide pandemic, and it has only become easier with the invention of technologies including the internet, cellphones, phone games, and short video apps like TikTok. However, sometimes we will feel guilty procrastinating while using our cell phones or while watching movies, so we move on to more advanced forms of procrastination: completing chores, running errands, and pursuing projects even more difficult than the actual task we are procrastinating. With that being said, here is a list of things you will do in order to avoid getting “it” done.

• Recreate an Indiana Jones movie, scene for scene, and actually travel to the places that the movie was set in. Climb through jungles. Ride a horse through a desert. This is a great idea.

• Sign up for space travel. Complete a mission to Mars. Grow old. Tell stories of your travels, including the aliens you met. Become shocked when you aren’t believed. Create a group called STAR: Space Travelers for Alien Reality. Grow bitter when your group is mocked. Take the group to the island and create a new civilization, with the primary goal of connecting with alien life using earth-to-space signaling.

• Adopt an elephant. Become knowledgeable about how elephants are hunted and maltreated. Create an elephant sanctuary. Finally complete your homework on the back of an elephant, but get overwhelmed in the middle of it and decide to finish it later. 

• Go on America’s Got Talent. Your talent is extreme procrastination. You don’t show up the audition, or any of the consecutive shows, but instead send apologetic emails five days after citing some creative excuse. You win the show. The judges are impressed with your risky approach. You spend the prize money on an Xbox.

• Watch the 2020 Presidential debate all the way through. Actually—don’t do that—your homework would be a less painful experience. If you do decide to watch it, perhaps use your homework to wipe away your tears.

• Frame your homework, draw some tears on it to represent student stress and submit it to an art competition. Not only do you win, but your artwork is displayed in the Museum of Fine Art. You don’t need school anymore, since you’re practically Frida Kahlo. Besides, you can’t finish the homework anymore. It’s an art piece.

• Take your homework to the water’s edge. Stare at the setting sun and wonder: What is homework, really, but one tiny thing in a gigantic uncaring universe? Who am I, really? What am I to the universe? Am I…  homework? Is the universe procrastinating on finishing… me?

• Write a humor article about procrastination.

Eventually, you will get “it” done. Of course you will. So why do we wait until the last minute to do things? What do we gain from the waiting? I won’t answer that question, because this is a humor article, not a book on philosophy. We are all guilty of an endless cycle of procrastination. Even me. In fact, I’ve been procrastinating writing the last paragraph of this article. I feel as if I’ve run out of funny things to say… maybe I should go wash the dishes.