It has come to my attention that UMB is like one huge party. Everyone is so social and sociable. There are always so many events taking place and it’s like everybody knows everybody. Just last week I attended three raging, out of control parties. Basically, when it comes to social activities and parties, UMB is the Charlie Sheen of colleges. WINNING!
Ok, I am lying out my ass. The above is what I hoped I would be saying after my first few weeks here, but instead I’m wallowing in boredom. As a matter of fact, I am writing this article out of sheer boredom. Surely, anywhere else must be more entertaining than UMB. The most exciting things that happen on campus are stuff like glass etching, glasses painting and massages. If you partake in any of those regularly, I’m sorry to say it, but you are very bored.
I am far from a party animal, so the apparent lack of parties does not irk me at all. Rather, the big, empty talk of non-existent events is what really grinds my gears (yes, I watch Family Guy). Where or when, you might ask, does all this talking take place? The answers are, Facebook and all day.
The average, generic Facebook post about UMB social life reads like this: “OMG! UMB is so boring! Nobody throws parties, I’m tired of this school already.” Well, if you want to party so badly, why don’t you throw one yourself? Wouldn’t that be better than constantly whining and buzzing about crap in people’s ears like a mosquito? If you can’t throw an awesome party, why should somebody else? Besides, UMB is a commuter school. It’s very clearly stated in your college application. If you didn’t know that before you applied, then frankly you shouldn’t be in college at all.
Another alternative for party cravers is to rent an apartment at Harbor Point or the Peninsula. Students living in those places probably get more action in the party department. At least when you have your own place and live far away from the watchful eyes of your parents – who don’t approve of you having fun anyway – you have no excuse not to throw a party yourself.
If you’re a commuter, meaning you probably don’t have your own apartment and might still be living with your parents, stop complaining about the lack of parties. It’s getting redundant. Besides, we all know you prefer a private party where the only people invited are your right hand, a bottle of lotion, and a poster of Uma Thurman.
It’s also worth remembering that this is, after all, a school. There’s a reason it’s not called Nightclub of Massachusetts Boston. Your job here is not to scavenge for parties like a hungry jackal. This real reason you’re here, as ludicrous and unfathomable as it may sound, is to actually learn something, get good grades and in the process hopefully get a degree. Don’t get me wrong, it’s okay to enjoy a good party now and then, but don’t lose sight of the real reason you or your parents are paying so much money for you to go to college.
The next time you want to complain about the state of UMB social life, imagine the death of a cute little kitten. Do it for the kittens. Everybody loves kittens.