Have you ever been on a date? If you answered yes then this article applies to you. However, if you answered no this article also applies to you. As anyone who has been on one of these “dates” can tell, they can be quite an awkward affair. There’s the constant second guessing that goes on inside your head during the evening. You’re always asking ‘do I sound like an idiot?’ or ‘should I stop talking so much?’ What should be an otherwise pleasant experience turns into an awful one and this is because we often make this fatal mistake: trying to impress your date. I’d like to give you some advice on how to successfully navigate the very sexy and sometimes sensual minefield that is dating.

To all the men out there: try not to give a damn. How does one do this? It’s actually not that difficult. If it’s a blind date or a set-up make sure you’re at least a half hour late. Give the young lady some time to think about how lucky she is to be spending an evening with you. If you’re gay do the exact opposite. Gay men are stereotypically more considerate than the straighties so don’t disprove the stereotype just because you want to be different. Also guys, let her do the talking. You aren’t that interesting. Now on to the women folk.

Aslan, the king of Narnia, once said ‘never trust a bitch.’ For that crass statement, he was eventually deposed. Some years later in an interview he told me what he actually meant to say was ‘Ladies, when you go on a first date with a man it is important that you conduct yourself in a manner that is proper and pleasing to your God and your country.’ He also told me that if you do not believe in God and you hate your country that you shouldn’t be going on dates because you’re an awful person and besides, who would want to date a godless anarchist? He then explained how to conduct yourself in a pleasing manner:

Buy yourself some forehead tittaes. You need to make sure that the young man’s attention is on your brain boobs and not your boob boobs. Yes, this applies to lesbians. It is a proven fact that all lesbians have man brains.

Let your date know right from the start that you refuse to pay. You can gauge what kind of man he is from his reaction. If he smiles and complies then he’s a wuss and you need to get up and leave immediately. If he agrees but says that next time you’re going halvsies then he’s a keeper. If your date is a woman you’re in for a long night. Neither one of you will be able to agree.

Do not, under any circumstances, follow any of the advice I just gave.

Ladies and not ladies, dating can be a toss up. Don’t stress out about it and you will be fine.