UMB is home to all kinds of collegiate endeavors. Some of the students you will meet while enrolled at UMB are straight out of Compton-I mean college (but really, DO we have students from Compton?) and are pursuing the traditional four-year degree. Hell, some of them may actually finish in four years. Some students are transfers who found life at their former institutions just… not good enough. Then you have the students who are getting to the whole college thing a little later than most. I make no judgment on that-s@#t happens. What remains true about ALL of these students is one simple fact: they absolutely love it here! How else can you explain the abundance of fifth and sixth year seniors? UMB is clearly doing something right, so for all those people that want to know the secrets for extending your stay here, The Mass Media would like to offer some tips on how exactly to do that.
Prioritize: College is about having fun and secondly about learning – NOT the other way around. Yes, that final is important, and sure you should work hard on that thesis paper. But should you do this at the expense of having friends? What kind of world do we live in that places being productive and accomplishing goals above drinking until you puke and hooking up? Fun is what makes the world function properly. See, even the word function has fun in it. That’s no coincidence. Here’s another truth; life becomes less fun every year after your twenties. Every person I know above thirty is an asshole who secretly hates everything about their “successful” marriage, stable career, and “satisfying” family life. They secretly resent all the hard work they put in during their twenties and having to deal with the consequences of their responsible actions. Taking the time to decide what is important is key to ensuring that you don’t get out of UMB any quicker than you want.
Pay no attention to your finances: People, this is a big one. Being diligent financially can do things like ensure you smoothly go through each semester. It will mean you have one less thing to deal with that could potentially set you back a few semesters. Getting you to pay your bills on time and not be in debt is just one method UMB uses to implement its “get ‘em in and get ‘em out policy”. Do you think the prospect of enjoying your twenties outside of academia is really that good? You will have responsibilities. You’ll have to take care of yourself. That isn’t fun at all! Okay, you won’t have to say, “I can’t go out tonight because I have class in the morning,” or, “I picked the WORST day for a hangover-final!” for a little while, but the sooner you leave this place, the sooner reality sets in and reminds you just how crappy the world of responsibility can be.
Just don’t give a damn: This is the final and most important step. Many young people enter into their college careers with the hope of doing something meaningful-accomplishing something that will give themselves lasting satisfaction. In other words, those people DO give a damn. They are spending all of their energy trying to make something of themselves – at a relatively cheap price compared to other universities – so they can “enjoy” their lives later on. Where’s the sense in that? How can someone over twenty-two enjoy life? Chaz Michael Michaels, the greatest fictional figure skater, once said, “That’s a laugh riot!” This, my friends, is a laugh riot.
The point is this: learn to procrastinate so your days may be long on this earth and your days at UMB may be much longer and more expensive than they have any right to be.
