Special Report: Spring Break 2005!!

Staying Home, Tons of Fun! BY SKIP MAXWELL

Over spring break, this reporter did what many of his fellow classmates did- save money by staying inside the confines of his apartment, watching everyone else have a sun-soaked good time. So for our loyal Ultra-News Squad readers, here is an introduction to spending spring break inside your house.The average reader may believe that this means a week of blighted misery (but they are average readers and everyone knows what everybody always says about them). So, entertainment you ask? Well, every good apartment vacation should be thoroughly stocked with the following. Television: Man, who thought that this would ever be so useful. From Comedy Central to early morning ESPN, this little hot-box is all the box you will need on your ghetto-assed vacation (It may be your only way to get laid as well but that probably won’t happen … so we’ll just skip it). Weed: It’s illegal and supposedly bad for you, but it helps with the more mundane activities that you will enjoy during your week of seclusion, like watching television and not getting any.Alcohol: You won’t use more of this than any of the others, but trust me -it is your saving grace. There is an increased chance of destroying the interior of your dwelling with massive consumption, but drinking by yourself in your own place, that’s what being an adult student on spring break is all about.

Beaches. Aren’t They Like So F**king Great?!BY JANET TURNER

This spring break, the word on the street was “get off the street and head to Panama City Beach!!!” The lesser-known “gulf” region of Florida becomes party central in the lands where alcoholic partial and full nudity were invented and presented ceremonially every year to the adolescents of the westernized world.Sugar-laced beaches and topless waitresses readily await your simplest demand. “This is the best!” said UMass student Hillary Beaverton, “I can do a body shot off myself!” In this festive climate men and women of all ages played and sang to cheesy top-40 hits while bounce-sucking on mutual ear lobes. The week was super-special to me and to many of the other students who came to this great stretch of beaches and cheap motels to honor themselves with a combined total of twenty-five minutes of the most lurid sex that has ever been done between two consenting monkeys.”It’s like chicks who would never bang me ever, just did,” said one delighted student, waiting at the Pensacola regional airport. “I just wish this was what my normal life was like.”For all of its wild excitement, the party spots like PCB 05 and others are just hollow sex machines that use us for our bodies and about thirteen hundred dollars, but they do it very very well.

My Grandma’s House: Awesome! BY STAN GOETZEM

While most of the college world was busy mingling or “bounce-sucking” I went to Moorehead, Montana to get some crunk juice from the sweetest woman I know: My Grandma.My family and I took off this week to go see our matriarch, who was recovering from some kind of surgery. While not the most exciting addition to the Spring Break report, my trip to Moorehead was chock full of adventure and excitement. Beginning with some sightseeing around my grandmothers assisted living apartment death complex, I met many new faces. Like Abe, a cool dude that washes people and hangs out. In total, it was pretty sweet. Getting to see my grandmother was the biggest treat. It was really nice. I can’t say that I liked the idea of going to Moorehead for spring break, but once I was there I saw a billboard that made it all better, there was a cowboy smiling and it read, ” Moorehead?: That’s why I live here!”

Editors note: News will return next week.