Monday, February 286:28 a.m. – Alarm call in Service Building. Staff accidentally set off alarm. Everything was okay.

11:16 a.m. – Larceny reported in the Healey Library. Guy Montag was caught in the hallway with volumes A-P of the 1972 Encyclopedia Britannica, and all the copies of Fahrenheit 451. Volumes Q-Z are still missing and there are still no leads after hours and hours of interrogation.

2:13 p.m. – Medical assistance requested in the McCormack Building. Party passed out but no assistance was needed, except for a black cup of coffee and a call to the senator’s personal assistant.

3:13 p.m. – Trashcan fire reported in the Plaza. Campus police arrived to find charred remains of volumes Q-Z of the 1972 Encyclopedia Britannica. It was a pleasure to burn.

Wednesday, March 211:55 a.m. – Fraud reported in the Science Center. Party reported falling for an Internet scam. So let me get this straight, you’re a middle-aged chemistry lab assistant and you thought you could order a cute little Filipino woman to marry you, do all of your housework, and give you hand jobs, but it turns out you just gave $12,000 to support a 22 year old cokehead who lives in Bitterroot, Montana. Here’s some advice: lose the Sci-Fi festivals and test tubes and get some game.

12:12 p.m. – Disturbance reported in the Plaza. Two females were arguing loudly. The crew of Girls Gone Wild quickly rushed to the scene and assisted campus police in hosing the girls down.

12:20 p.m. – Disturbance reported in the Campus Center. Same two females were found fighting. Once again Girls Gone Wild and campus police acted quickly by making a mud pit for the girls to safely settle their dispute.

Thursday, March 31:41 p.m. – Larceny reported in the Campus Center. Robble robble.

Saturday, March 58:49 a.m. – False fire alarm in the Campus Center. Mechanical Malfunction. That’s what she said.