Sunday, March 276:18 p.m. – Driver had a warrant and was arrested on University Drive South. Motor vehicle was towed. Can you believe they charged me $56 to get it back?

Monday, March 284:04 p.m. – Medical assistance needed in the Wheatley Hall. Student felt ill during a presentation and was taken to health services. Student also reported having their homework eaten by their dog and claimed that bruise was from falling down the stairs.

Tuesday, March 299:44 a.m. – False fire alarm in the Campus Center. Mechanical malfunction. That’s what I said…I mean she said…no wait, never mind.

12:55 p.m. – Medical assistance needed outside of Campus Center. Party fell off sidewalk and twisted their ankle.

Wednesday, March 309:48 a.m. – Breaking and entering/burglary in the McCormack Building.

10:09 a.m. – Medical assistance needed in the Clark Center. Person had fallen but did not need any treatment.

10:39 a.m. – Suspicious person reported in the Campus Center. Homeless male was escorted off campus and told to go home.

11:13 a.m. – Medical assistance needed in the Clark Center. Party fell and injured themselves. The Wambulance was promptly called for.

11:29 a.m. – Party was assaulted in the Administration Building by an unknown male. I have no idea who it was, but The Shadow knows.

Thursday, March 318:53 a.m. – Harassment reported in the Campus Center. Person was receiving threatening e-mails and phone calls. Suspect could be anyone, I guess.

12:39 p.m. – Harassment reported in the Administration Building. Another person was receiving threatening e-mails and phone calls. What? It wasn’t me!

3:55 p.m. – Recovered property reported in the Science Center. “Uh, yeah…sure I lost $20 yesterday.”

11:29 p.m. – False Fire alarm in the Campus Center. Mechanical malfunction.

Friday, April 111:06 a.m. – Harassment reported on the plaza. Employee reported being harassed by supervisor. Unidentified high-level administrator was escorted back to their office and made to sit in the corner and think about what s/he did until snack time was over.

12:00 p.m. – Larceny reported in the McCormack Building. Money was stolen from petty cash fund. Now that’s what I call “petty theft.” [rim-shot, followed by cricket noises] What? I’d like to hear you come up with a better joke.

Saturday, April 25:58 a.m. -False fire alarm in the Science Center. Mechanical malfunction. Again? I want a divorce.