Dear friends,
The Crank has a mighty carbuncle on his posterior. This is no metaphor. There is literally a livid, glowing, very painful blemish on my butt. And no matter how I sit, or on what, it hurts. So please y’all, be college students, and don’t put the following in writing (because it makes my pustule twitch and burn):
The aforementioned, when it refers to blank space, because you haven’t written anything before it.
Enormity, when you mean large size, as in the case of a really impolitic question about girls who weigh more than the boorish boys that are wooing them, unbeknownst to their cool, popular friends.
Substantive, when you refer to size. In fact, please don’t write anything to me that states complaints regarding the substantivity (or lack thereof), of any body part belonging to you, or your loved ones.
Please do not write that your opinion differed with your roommate, no matter how much of your Nutella she ate.
Please do not tell me that many of the movies you like offend your (very astute) girlfriend’s sensitivities.
I do not want to know that you are Equally as good as, your boyfriend at vocabulary, and that he should therefore refrain from casticulating you, in front of your friends.
That said, I want to congratulate you on your use of:
Accept, as in, I accept the fact that he knows more about cats than me, but I really don’t appreciate him taking my scalpel. Your talents are wasted in the biology department, my friend; be an English major, and help your schoolmates understand the difference between the aforementioned word, and Except.
Illicit, especially in reference to what you’re doing in the first stall of the second floor men’s room on the left hand side (as one enters) of the science building. Perhaps you’d find satisfaction re-channeling that energy. You might try promoting awareness of the difference between the character of your bathroom antics, and Elicit, which means something else (properly used: The noises may elicit some discomfort in others).Thank you all very much,
The Crank