It’s finally Christmas. And what’s more symbolic of Christmas than Santa Claus? That’s right, boys and girls: finals. We all lie in our beds at night and try and think about all the wonderful things that Christmas brings. You know what I’m talking about: Christmas music, eggnog, Christmas trees, ridiculously decorated houses…all that great stuff. But what’s that? What’s that turning my dreams of sugar plums into nightmares of 10-page papers and 300 question exams?

God, I hate finals. I just want to go back in time, to the days where there was nothing to hinder your Christmas joy, except the inevitability of Christmas vacation ending. As I write this, I have so much homework to do, it’s ridiculous. I mean, I have Stay-At-Home-On-Saturday-Night amounts of homework.

Okay, I know it’s something I just have to deal with and get through it like everyone else out there. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Seeing how I know you guys might have gotten into a hole similar to the one that I’ve landed myself in, I feel no guilt in whining about it here.

Here’s my plan for all you other slackers out there. It’s easy and simple, and I’ll let you know next week if it works, seeing as how my weak will has finally pulled me away from the ever so powerful grip of my Xbox to write my column and to employ my new plan to defeat the stress that is requisite to final exams and papers rearing their vile heads.

First of all, let’s be honest: when it’s Sunday night and the Broncos and the Raiders are on TV, it’s probably not the most productive environment for one to achieve academic prominence. So slowly walk to the television and turn it off. If I can do it, so can you. (Oakland is about to ruin my football pool anyway, damn them. Just another reason to hate those filthy Raiders.)

All right, so no TV, get off the phone, don’t work online (we all know we don’t need to keep checking our mail, or go to eBay, or wherever the hell else people go). So now we’re ready to work. Don’t set a limit on how long you’re going to work; set a limit on the amount of things you’re going to get out of the way. For instance, I’m going to write one paper and do one presentation. Don’t say, “I’ll finish it tomorrow,” but do drink lots of coffee.

Try to do this at least two days a week and use your time wisely. As I write this it’s 11:30 and I’ve been fighting with myself all Thanksgiving weekend to break away from the laziness and get it done. Everyday I tell myself, “Tomorrow I’ll have more time,” or “Tomorrow I won’t be so tired.” Well, I’m fresh out of tomorrows and tonight is very quickly turning into tomorrow morning.

But I had an epiphany as I wrote this little piece about how to not be like me, and it goes like this: nobody likes homework, nobody likes stress. But the quicker you get rid of one the quicker the other one leaves too. So, boys and girls, here it is: quit screwing around, drink lots of coffee, and just get it done. Time’s ticking and the more you wait, the worse it gets. Check back next week to see if I bought into the preceding items and actually got anything done. I doubt it, but who knows, maybe some of those Christmas miracles will get me through Recent and Contemporary Political Thought. Or maybe I’ll play Xbox until I pass out. Who knows?

Jay Upton is a Mass Media columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].