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The Mass Media

The Mass Media

The Mass Media

Administration forces commuters to carpool amidst fracking scandal

In an effort to “save the world”—as the University called it in a public statement—commuters are being asked to form carpool groups in order to lower the number of vehicles driven to campus each day. 

“We’re really hoping to lower the gas emissions connected to our large population of student commuters. We feel personally responsible for the world burning, and this is the solution,” said Janice Tustin, head of UMass Boston Transportation Services. 

The mission statement outlines that only vans with 10 or more students will be allowed to enter the Bayside Parking Lot and Campus Center Parking Garage, while smaller vehicles must be Teslas filled to maximum capacity. Vans housing under 10 students will be routinely searched for stupidity and promptly turned away. Furthermore, Peddy Teacock, the McCormack Hall janitor, has been recently promoted to head-count duty and takes his new job very seriously. He is only half-blind. 

Third-year student, Koda Aragorn, thinks this new rule is male-cow waste and has reached out in an effort to have his concerns heard. 

“I’m all for saving the environment, but this is getting out of hand,” he said. “I mean, it’s a little suspicious that this is happening right after the Bayside fracking announcement. I know we go to UMass Boston, but do they think we’re [expletive] stupid?” 

Aragorn refers to the University’s recent announcement to accept a 2.3 billion dollar deal with Chevron, allowing fracking on a large portion of the Bayside Parking Lot. The deal states there will only be 50 accessible spots in the parking lot at the time of fracking, 30 of which are reserved for the crew. Other details in the fine print list that drinking water may become flammable, methane may begin to leak from school air vents and small 6.0 earthquakes may become common. 

“We know how this looks, but this will benefit the school in the long-run,” the chancellor said in an email to students. “The decision to require carpooling has nothing to do with the fracking location. We’ve just never seen a school require carpooling, and you know our saying—always stay ‘ahead of the times.’” 

His secretary asked me to clarify that the school’s saying is actually “For the Times,” but since it was plastered across murals, emails, our newspaper and the free sweatshirts you guys stood in hour-long lines for last year, I would be concerned if you were that unobservant. 

A fourth-year at the school, Lylar Owman, also has some choice words for the announcement. 

“I’m a commuter. I literally drive to school, cry, sit in class, cry and drive home. Do they think I know 10 people?!” she said hysterically. 

In the University’s statement, it assures that no services will be provided to help students find carpool groups. Furthermore, no vans will be provided if students cannot purchase one on their own. If this is upsetting, the University urges students to visit the school’s counseling center, which offers free counseling services to those who cannot handle largely traumatic and unrealistic societal scripts disguised as everyday life. 

About the Contributor
Skylar Bowman, Managing Editor