Just recently, raccoons were spotted in the ceilings and walls of multiple campus buildings, as reported by The Mass Media. There are now numerous sources claiming the furry invaders have gained intelligence.
These reports started after a student posted a video on the college Snapchat story of three raccoons standing on each other’s shoulders, trying to order at the campus Dunkin’ Donuts. Another student came forward with a statement.
“I don’t even care that they were there, honestly. I was just mad that it was taking so long. Like, if there are three of you? Just put in a mobile order, dude,” the student said. “The worst part is I was late to class, and my professor didn’t believe me. Who would? Three raccoons held me up in line trying to order chocolate donuts.”
A staff member from the Bursar’s Office, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I had one come in and try to pay tuition in cash. I’m talking a stack of ones, fives, tens and an uncountable amount of change. I told the raccoon we don’t take cash payments towards tuition and that he had to pay online, but he didn’t like that answer.”
Many students and faculty have reported the critters sitting in on classes. “Add/drop ended days ago. I can’t admit any more people from the waitlist. I can’t make any exceptions, even though they’re more attentive than most human students,” one mathematics professor wrote.
“I caught one of those fuzzy little freaks trying to copy off of my biology test. I tried to tell my professor, but he’s forced to put up with it because of some union rights thing. They’re unionizing. I didn’t even know raccoons could do that,” a frustrated junior explained.
The raccoons have become aware of their influence around campus and, after one early report from the Classified Staff Union, formed the Inhabiting Raccoon Union.
A tip from a member of UMass Boston administration writes that the IRU has, more than once, entered Chancellor Marcelo Suárez-Orozco’s office, slamming their tiny hands on the desk and chittering in anger. A biology student who claimed to be able to understand them explained that the raccoons were enraged at the University’s attempts to eradicate them, citing discrimination. They claim that they are granted free use of the University’s public campus as part of their contract, to which Suárez-Orozco allegedly replied that there was no contract in the first place.
As a result, a new organization, the Interspecies Equity Group, has been protesting on the pavement between Campus Center and Wheatley Hall every day since the initial report. The group refused to comment, but pointed to their most recent statement on the club’s web page.
“We, as members of IEG, aim to protect the right of all species, human or not, to a proper education. We will serve our duty as a voice to the voiceless in ensuring the freedom for all to be on UMass Boston’s public campus — hence the meaning of public,” the statement read.
A nearby onlooker at the protest spoke on the matter. “Well, they just let Bobby walk around wherever he wants, and he’s terrifying. Have you ever looked into his eyes? I feel like I can see right through his soul. At least the raccoons are cute. Maybe they should be the new mascots,” they said.
This exact topic has caused quite a stir on campus, with many students suggesting the same. It leaves UMass Boston wondering: Is Bobby the Beacon old news?
Bobby refused to provide an official statement regarding the ongoing discourse, but did say it’s “insulting to be compared to those vermin.” The Mass Media reached out to the raccoons for comment, but received no response.
The facilities department claimed in a statement earlier this week that the raccoons are on their way out. However, the latest report from a janitor who passed by the fiasco claims that the mammals have actually taken over the department, and ran all humans out in a revolutionary act. They have also made a truce with janitorial staff, who have refused instructions by administration to report any raccoons they see.
As for if the raccoons will soon gain the same rights as humans, and possibly even overthrow Bobby, the debate is still ongoing. There’s only one thing that can be said for sure: the raccoons are here to stay.
