As college students, it’s easy for many of us to feel like we’re often overwhelmed, stressed from our academic studies as well as our obligations as young adults.
Life expects a lot from us, and it gets even more complicated when you have complex relationships on top of it all. With things like family issues, conflicts in friendships and complicated relationships, I’ve seen many of my friends, as well as myself, get lost in everything we feel like we “should be” doing.
As a recovering people-pleaser, it’s been second nature to put everything I’ve committed to above myself. I’ve agreed to plans, assignments and responsibilities that I know I couldn’t fully handle without some self-sacrifice, all because I’ve been previously too afraid to say no.
Consequently, my mental health and well-being were compromised the more I was afraid to disappoint those around me. However, I’ve not only been able to see in hindsight how dangerous this was, but also how much of a disservice I was doing to myself.
With recent studies, such as one cited by PsychCentral, people-pleasing has proven to be linked to things like resentment buildup and low self-esteem. By constantly refusing our own needs for the sake of others, we subconsciously tell ourselves that the other person’s wants are better and more important than our own.
Then as we continuously feel worse for ourselves because we lack the ability to stand up for ourselves, we again desire to boost our temporary confidence by continuing this damaging cycle, leading to a repeating history of low self-esteem and people-pleasing.
I’ve come to notice that prioritizing others only made me reinforce my own belief that other people’s opinions and needs are more important than my own. My people-pleasing came from a need to have people support me, when I wasn’t even capable of supporting myself.
As an empathic person, coming to this realization and attempting to make changes made me feel selfish. But as I’ve come farther in this journey, I’ve realized that sometimes being a little selfish is required for self-preservation.
I’ve weirdly found power in using the word “no,” and I’ve been able to better understand myself by not agreeing to things I don’t feel aligned with simply for the sake of “keeping the peace.”
I’ve been able to become a better student as I no longer overextend myself. I’ve been able to be a better friend, daughter, sister and partner simply because I’ve started caring about my own boundaries and limitations.
I’ve known many students here at UMass Boston who say “I have to go to this thing, but I really wish I could catch up on sleep instead,” or “I have a meeting to go to later, but I’ve been up sick all night.” Any variation of these things has always shown me that even though sticking to your word is a vital trait, as it expresses reliability and trust, it’s also important to show yourself that you’re capable of caring for your body and mind.
As students, it’s easy to put other things before yourself. But putting yourself first is not only necessary at times, but beneficial to your well-being. You deserve to give yourself the care you’d want other people to give you.
At the end of the day, the people I’ve fought so hard to please are not the ones living in my head day in and day out. I can respect their wishes and desires, but only once I’ve fully considered my own.
College is about exploring and reinventing ourselves, but how can we do that if we only mold ourselves into what other people want us to be? You are just as important as anyone else, and saying no, regardless of how scary that initially seems, gives you the ability to reclaim your power.
