The Department of Health and Human Services held a press conference this week announcing a supposed link between radiation originating from 5G cellular towers and cancer.
President Ronald Stump, joined by DHHS head Roger K. Fennedy, opened the conference with the statement, “Lemme plug my Crypto real quick.” Stump began to advertise his cryptocurrency but trailed off mid sentence, then said, “This is a discovery like no other… Krimeala would never in her life find a link… very good, nothing else. This is a very good country.”
The president stumbled through the rest of his speech with grace, only spacing out and drooling three times the whole 20 minutes. Viewers were slightly alarmed when 11 minutes in, White House staff members rushed to the president’s side with a comically large wind-up key. Stump leaned forward as they stuck it where the sun doesn’t shine and twisted a few times, straightening his posture and allowing him to continue his speech. A spokesperson for the White House declined to comment on the matter.
Fennedy, taking the podium with a voice like a washing machine full of dying cats and gravel, claims that the radiations exuding off from 5G cellular towers have been “the top reason for cancer” over the last 20 years. Upon being prompted, he refused to share any statistics or proof related to this fact. It was then when Stump promptly called upon Grober the House Elf — whom he enslaved in 2006 — to escort the reporter out of the conference room. Screams were subsequently heard down the hall, but Stump said this was unrelated.
The controversial report has warranted mixed responses and reactions as Americans struggle between their screen addiction and their health.
“I would rather kill myself with a spoon than give up my phone. Listen to this, President Stump. If you try to take my phone, I will make the French Revolution look like an elementary school play,” said Jennifer Tanya, a local high school student.
“Well, my babies and I have been wearing our protective gear in public since I gave birth to my eldest. I just really don’t want to take any chances with my perfect angels’ health,” Margaret Louise, a Dorchester local wearing a cap made of crumpled up aluminum foil, weighed in.
Her two daughters, aged three and eight, also wore tinfoil on their heads. When asked if her daughters were vaccinated, Louise gave a puzzled look and said, “No, why would they be?”
UMass Boston student Janis Heggerty expressed support for the conference. “It kinda makes sense, you know? Like, the guy who invented the iPhone died from cancer, right? So like, maybe that’s what gave him the cancer, dude. Duuuuude, that’s patient f-cking zero!”
Other community members have expressed concerns about the logistics of today’s events.
“Is cancer even real? Can we get a study about that? I’ve been loading with 200 grams of protein everyday and I’m at my absolute prime. Maybe if everyone got up off their lazy butts and hit the gym, they wouldn’t be p-ssies with cancer! Yeah, f-ck cancer!” said podcaster Andrew Barrier when we encountered him harassing teenage girls in the local park.
“Are we just not going to talk about the elf? You saw him too right? He was like this tall,” guy I pulled off the street, Nermal Parsen, said, reaching his hand down to be perpendicular with his knee. “I can’t even believe it. Nobody’s said anything about it online either, are we going crazy? I took this walk to feel better but maybe the 5G really is messing with me. Wow.” Parsen then proceeded to hurl his phone into a park, hitting a squirrel and instantly vaporizing it.
Mr. Acorn the Squirrel’s funeral will be held Wednesday, Oct. 1. Please contact Mrs. Acorn or the Forest Friends Funeral Home to RSVP.
The Mass Media will continue to cover the press conference, and will release an obituary for Mr. Acorn as more information is made available.
