For the first time, a secret Mass Media source is willing to come forward and identify himself. Radmilo Milenko is short, has small feet, and very large ears. Milenko says that his big ears are an advantage because they help get better scoops for the paper.

Milenko says that working for the Mass Media has been a perfect job for him because of his size and features. He says that he has been able to sneak into various classrooms and offices at the University of Massachusetts Boston, and listen to what faculty and staff have been saying.

Milenko commented that he has seen several colleagues die doing their jobs. Milenko rattled off a list of colleagues that had their lives taken through various means — “Whether it’s brooms, traps, shoes, or heavy books.”

“It can be a dangerous job to be a reporter. But when you’re a mouse-reporter, the stakes on your life are even higher,” he squeaked.

In his two years on the job, Milenko sees everything. One example he described was of various explicit actions in different parts of the Healey Library stacks. Milenko explained, “I don’t need to describe in great detail what I’ve seen happening between students that was more than just a hug.”

Another scenario he has seen many times is students smoking, “I wouldn’t call smoking weed on campus a chronic problem,” he squeaked. “But it is common enough that I have just gotten used to it when I wander around the halls looking for bits of information.”

He also described some of the other important roles that he and his colleagues play. He commented, “If it were not for us, the Mass Media wouldn’t know about half the events that were going on on campus.”

When asked if he feels that doing an interview would compromise future reporting, he squeaked, “No. Most of the time people don’t know we’re there. Everyone knows that we have mice on campus, but no one knows where we are 100 percent of the time.”

“We’re trained to be very good at hiding, waiting — so that we don’t get caught. We’re very well trained to do what we do.”

**Please note that this article is a humor piece and is in the humor section, and that at the current time, unfortunately, we do not have mice to assist us in our reporting duties.**