“The power of the sun in the flush of my toilet.”

Chancellor Marcelo Suárez-Orozco said this under his breath. Whether he was talking to the crowd that had been called over for the unveiling of UMass Boston’s latest initiative, or simply to himself, no one knew. What they did know was Chancellor Suárez-Orozco looked more excited than anyone had ever seen him. Sweating and shaking, he stared at the assembly of reporters and staff as they wait for him to get started.

“I am no idiot,” he said after a pause of five minutes. He then began to walk off the stage before an aid ran over and guided him back onto it. He walked over to where he had been standing before, right next to a closed curtain that seemed to be covering something up.

He finally began to speak again: “This university has been lacking something—there is no denying that. Some have accused us of being behind the times, so we tried to be ‘for the times.’ That didn’t seem to do it. Others have accused us of not supporting our staff and cutting out much-needed departments. We didn’t do anything. After even that failed to work, we realized it was time to focus elsewhere.”  Suddenly, a smile formed on his face as his eyes lit up and his legs did a little dance.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I believe I have not only found the root of all failure in this university but single-handedly fixed it.” He ran over to the curtain and ripped it down. “I give you … TOIL3TMASTER!”

He walked us through each of its features. It had a bidet, so we could hit the books feeling less s—ty than usual. It allowed each user to choose the water pressure they wanted, ranging from “gentle stream” to “broken fire hydrant.” The Chancellor tried to show how effective it was by cleaning his own butt; however, the audience screamed, and he backed off.

As for those who want to get their butt feeling as dry as possible, there’s a feature for you too. While toilet paper has been outlawed from the University, TOIL3TMASTER has an air dryer with settings that range from “stranger’s whisper” to “fire in your a—.”

“These babies can give third degree burns if you know which buttons to press. Have fun!” the Chancellor said.

At this point, some in the audience asked how this would solve any actual problems. After yelling at them to leave, followed by crying, then loudly singing a rendition of “What’s New Pussycat,” the Chancellor answered, “These toilets are powerful! Powerful enough to solve any problem we have. Take the rats in the building. I could hire somebody to take care of it. Or, we could join together, as a community, and take care of it together.”

He summoned an aid to bring him something that appeared to be a pineapple. Holding it in his hand, the Chancellor loudly yelled, “Time to be homeless, SpongeBob!” He flushed it down the toilet. “There’s suction, and then there’s SUCTION, and let me tell you, these things got SUCTION. Next time you see a rat, or even a coyote, I want you to flush them right in here!”

After all of the hype, it was time to give a real demonstration. The Chancellor sat on the toilet with his pants on. “If you weren’t able to put your make-up on earlier in the day, TOIL3TMASTER’s got you covered!” A bunch of robotic hands came out of secret compartments in the toilet and applied makeup to his face. After practically slapping him with lipstick and foundation, Suárez-Orozco smiled at the audience, looking uncannily like Heath Ledger’s Joker. “Ain’t I pretty?” he asked. He followed this with a thoroughly captivating performance of a man using the toilet.

Finally, it was time for the grand finale—the big flush. “Now for you to see this baby in action,” he said. When he pushed the button, the machine immediately sucked him in, lower-back first. “Nonononononononono!” He cried desperately, but to no avail.

His legs were raised above his head. His arms flailed wildly. His head kept banging onto the lid as the swirl of the holy waters within pushed him around. Everyone watched in shock, but no one did anything. Some say he’s still stuck inside of that toilet, trapped by the very thing he loved.

Of course, you might not believe me, but when was the last time you actually saw him? It might as well be true.