Bobby the beacon cries on a beach during a sunset. llustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

Last week, Bobby Beacon referred to himself as being passionate in “the art of seduction.” He then immediately took this back and started crying. Which is it? Is he a lover or a loner? Casanova or social failure? As Valentine’s Day is coming up, I decided to hit Bobby up and see if he would like to give me a wacky quote or two about the holiday. This was his response:

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. The Bard was clearly no stranger to love. Neither are Joe Schmo or Everyday Evan. But me…that’s another story.

I’ve certainly gotten close, don’t get me wrong. My mind drifts back to a lovely lady I knew years ago. We were deeply in love and even set to get married. Then, her parents put a stop to it all and told her she could never see me again. They said that they didn’t want their daughter dating an abomination like me. At first, I thought they were being prejudiced against lighthouse people, but it turns out they were talking about my ‘moral character;’ whatever that means.

Every day since the breakup, I’ve gone out to the beach and drawn a heart in the sand. It stays there, glistening in the sun, until the waves finally rise up and wash it away. And every time, I pray for that heart to stay—but it never does.

Now, I hear what the optimists in the crowd are saying, ‘Bobby, you should never give up, there are plenty of other fish in the sea!’ To that I say: I’ve done a whole lot of swimming looking for the right fish, and I’m barely keeping my head above water. Have you tried online dating?! Do you know what kind of freaky people are out there—and I don’t mean ‘freak’ in the cool way. I’ve gone home from two different dates being chased by a chainsaw wielding maniac driving a Jeep. It’s bad out there!

The sad thing is, that hasn’t kept me from trying. You know how Charlie Brown is always trying to kick that football and Lucy is always pulling it away? I think I’m Charlie Brown in a way, because I’m still running for that ball and I still always fall on my a—. The only difference between Charlie and me is I’m not sure whether there even is a ball anymore. Maybe there never was.

I could go on about how Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday made to sell greeting cards. I could even say that love is just an illusion or something. Thing is though, I know it isn’t. All of my friends got married and they were all happy. They would always be telling me about how grand love is. Oh, how they taunted me!

I guess love just isn’t in the cards for me. After all, there aren’t many lighthouse people out there and I’m related to the few there are. I’ve got nothing against humans, but to be honest, I haven’t figured out how to bridge those two worlds. My parents were a human and a lighthouse, so obviously it’s not impossible. I could ask them about it but…ewww!

I tried starting up a dating site for people like me and called it ‘Lighthouse Lovers,’ but people thought that it was an app where you could plan hookups at lighthouses. So, after an intense advertising campaign highlighting that this was an app for lighthouse people looking for love—not people looking to love in lighthouses—I found that I still couldn’t get what I wanted. I just kept scrolling and would only see pictures of my cousins and aunts.

So, I sit on the beach and close my eyes. My life flashes before me and I see…pain. Whether it’s my pain, my friends’ pain or my enemies’ pain, it’s all just pain. Except for that one time I almost had someone. I write her name in the sand and wait for it to wash away. It always does.”

Uhhh, that’s quite a quote there Bobby!

Has anybody gotten this guy any help? Seriously, he literally said he’s drowning here!

Be sure to write to us about more of your wacky insights, B-Man!