Boston, MA – Part-time beer pong addict, and full-time student Harry Wellman died from cardiac arrest while waiting in line at the cafeteria. For years, this 19 year-old freshman claimed, “I’m almost there!” only to be stuck in the same spot without any hope of getting to the cashier. Harry absence from class, and home quickly got the attention of Campus authorities. A search party was dispatched to Harry’s last known whereabouts. Emergency response specialists searched the implausible thick throng of students for several days with no success. It was finally determined that Harry must have left the cafeteria. Having been missing since 1965, Harry had become a local legend of sorts – on par with Big Foot or Elvis. However, it wasn’t until this March that students have confirmed that Harry was still in the cafeteria. The search party was re-established. Boston Police believed that he could have been anywhere in the checkout area and at the time expressed little hope of ever finding Harry. According his friends, Harry was a persistent individual who was determined to get to the cashier before class started. Shaun North UMB graduate now 75 spoke with a nostalgic fondness of his friends determination. “He was a man of principals and grit. I always knew he never left, I bet you if they found him and tried to drag him out he woulda kicked and punched and screamed to stay in line. He is that ox stubborn.” Harry was found dead at the age of 79, next to the same lunch tray he carried half a century ago. He died from cardiac arrest. The police have reported that the photograph of the 19-yearold looks nothing like the aged man they found, besides the clothes description. By all eyewitness accounts, the checkout line is shrouded by a mysterious enigma. This was not the first time that a Umass student has gone missing. One Umass student has been found wandering the Sahara Desert without any recollection of how he got there. Others that have been found were hospitalized, with their faces having been mauled off by wild African Penguins. Fortunately these incidents just involved international exchange students, so this isn’t typically a concern. Faculty claims that so many of them come in every year that they were “expendable”. Cafeteria personnel remained unsympathetic to the situation. They refused to make an official statement and seemed completely numb to the situation According to an anonymous student, “People are exaggerating. It takes less than 20 minutes on the clock to get my food.” (Note: This person is believed to have inhaled large amounts of toxic glue prior to the interview).